Saturday, January 2, 2010

becoming

my different obsessions with alcohol
were like the men i've had
were parallel to my growing sexuality
were representative of my sexual becoming

my first sip of alcohol
i'm sure it was mixed
with coke
in the safety of my older cousin
she got me into a bar, and
i was only sixteen.
that was my first experience.
this thirty year old man kissed me on the cheek
he didn't believe
i hadn't kissed a boy by then.

i experienced losing my virginity sober
it was void of passion
filled with too much speculation
created by calculation
cold prod
gloved hands
stiff sanitation sheet against my back
legs spread
as he plunges in.
too sober, with too much mix.
but i remember kissing him in the morning
as i walked out the door, smiling
with a hopeful heart
there was blood on those sheets.

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