Sunday, December 27, 2009

we're alone, but we're together

no one really wants to show her weaknesses
but sometimes, it's all one wants to do
in the vanity that someone will kneel down too
and light a cigarette
the last one

just

for

you

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

i attempt to find life in all the wrong places,
but i prefer to find life where it is hardest to find.
at 3AM at the gas station,
buy a pack of cigarettes and leave.
at 4AM
online,
no one wants to chat, they're nodding off.
i didn't really want to either,
but somehow it makes me feel good in that odd sort of way;
to know that someone else is awake.
somehow...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

the in between

phone conversation.
dial tone. and then it's ringing.
right when you think there will be no answer,
you hear your own voice say,
"hello?"
you pause, as though you did not remember calling yourself.
again, over the line,
"hello?"
"oh, hi."
"hey, what's up?"
"i was just calling to ask... where are you?"
"in between."
"...in between what?"
"yes, in between."
"no, in between what?"
"not what. just in between."
"but in between what and what?"
"listen to me. don't go outside tomorrow."
dial tone.

Monday, December 14, 2009

let it die

my mother believes in suffering.
she's that religious.
time has ceased to advance since 1986
and she is the conservative of 1986

she believes others should suffer as she does
because she believes that suffering now
the prize will come later

as long and as much as she has suffered
she should have had three mansions by now

i know instead
her head has got the best of her
she'll suffer til the end.

mother, don't take everyone down with you
i wish someone had been there
when you were still young
still alive
still volatile.

i wish someone had told you to live your life
not to settle
i wish someone had shown you not to suffer
i wish someone had freed your spirit

you were so beautiful mother. so beautiful
and now look at you
i love what you could have been
and now you're preventing me from having it
let us all suffer together then
and die with hatred and anger and bitterness in our hearts

Sunday, December 13, 2009

kiss it, bye bye

i miss it.
the first sip sunk down the throat
the moment before inebriation
the smile that hits with satiation
feel it.
pulsating orgasm of intoxication.
i dream it.
light the cigarette
after the ice sits lonely in the glass
then to think of the man of the day
live a fantasy
then do nothing the next day
but sleep

Friday, December 11, 2009

on photography


i don't quite understand the art of capture
i have to train my mind that each snap of the lens
wastes negative space or makes it worth while.

there are moments when i hesitate
when i look through the view finder too long
and if i still decide to push down
i feel that the initial sighting was lost

i look through pictures and pictures, pictures.
and the ones that strike me the most
i find are the ones that resemble my mood.
a sort of isolation. loneliness. empty...,
and yet there's a play of light, a glint off of one object
or it's a plain picture, seemingly, clean, crisp
or maybe it's extremely blurred, or foggy or faded
why is this...()?

when the film is scanned in
i am surprised by what i took.
because the timid, amateur that i was
who snapped the picture
could not have captured this mood
but somehow...

i have yet to capture a stranger
maybe we'll connect
maybe we won't.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

thrill

i need a new , exciting

o b s e s s i o n .

i need the shrill thrill of being alive youth.

not just a past time
not just a hobby
not just a(n) occupation

i need intensity

e x t r e m i t y

the boundless
danger


search on.

Monday, December 7, 2009

writing, drinking, smoking

i miss writing while smoking, and sipping on one of any alcoholic beverages i had periodically grown an obsession to:

white russian
whiskey on ice
whiskey and coke
cranberry vodka
brass monkey
zwack on ice
beer

first-most a writer
second-most a dreamer
last-most an actor (in all its meaning)

my life seems drawn to second-most now

Friday, December 4, 2009

은행 나무



내가 내꺼 은행 나무 찾알거다.

"who did this to you."
she cradles her legs and smiles.
"did your mommy do this?"
she nods her head.
"what happened?"
"mommy got angry with what i said and, and, and then she went somewhere... she came back with a metal thing, twisted it to make it...thicker and then wacked at my legs..."
"does she beat you ofte-?"
"and then she tried to strangle herself..."
silence.
"so i had to stay..."
"what? does she still beat you?"
"i love my mommy."
"does she beat you? does she keep you by force?"
"no."
she drops the baby voice and her face ages without time.
"i fucked up. i already killed them all... and killed myself. this right now... is the afterlife. and it's hell."

Saturday, November 28, 2009

fairy tale without the tale


a child remembered best as sweet, considerate, quick to help others. a leader in every social pack.
a child becomes an alcoholic. a liar. a smoker. an addict to vices.
a child remains a child.
placed directly under the parent's thumb. a child stills.
nothing remains but silenced will.
freedom is always delayed.

time becomes the closest friend.
the face of the clock most familiar.
the child puts her lips against his...

nightmares vanish as they become true
dreams overcome the daylight
a child can be a greedy, hungry whore for knowledge
when imprisoned

a child
stays
when the mother says stay

a child
obeys
when the mother says obey

a child dies
the mother dies

a child lives
the mother dies

a promise this time to be kept.

Friday, November 20, 2009

tracings

she lightly closes one eye and looks through the other, tentatively tracing the outline of a door frame, finishing at the floor, then starting over again backwards. forwards, then backwards, faster and faster-

"what are you doing?"

she had thought he was asleep. she turns to him, his face turned to hers now, his eyes large despite his awakening.

"tracing."

"tracing what with what?"

she gives him a smile and brings her finger up between their faces. she watches his eyes cross, then uncross.

"your finger?"

she nods.

"what are you tracing with your finger?"

"turn your head."

he does so and closes his eyes.

she pulls her head back a little further and begins to trace his profile. she traces it slowly: the top of the hair line with the odd strands poking every which way, down to the flat forehead that rises higher than where the sunken eyes rest below the eyebrows. the nose, she remembers he thinks is too small and pointed, and she thinks is just right. she plays the trace against his lips, then down his stubbled chin, over the adam's apple - she could have traced further but his peaking right eye distracts her.

she meets his eye.

"are you done tracing?"

"no."

she throws off the blanket that is covering him mid-chest, then continues to trace. a relatively flat line until she meets the thigh from her perspective-

her hand must have been a little close as he immediately grasps her hand and his erection as his lips close around her smile...
women are men's inspiration
a man's world is mine

Monday, November 16, 2009

every beginning starts somewhere
and then it ends somewhere further along

wherever that may be

a few years before college
college
some months into college

devoured time
wasted time
time well spent

time dissipated into a memory
a dream

did it happen

?

pictures are too much a permanence of what is no longer
films can interpret something more meaningful that took place
but is no longer

brevity is wisdom
wisdom is knowing
learn to forget
i can still smell you on my bed...

but i'm too lazy to wash my sheets.

thanksgiving will be a new smell

thanks for giving

jerk

Sunday, November 15, 2009

my drunken heart

when i'm drunk i'm fine
when i'm sober i think i've been wronged
when i'm drunk, i don't know how to stop drinking
when i'm sober, i can quit you

when i'm drunk, i can't write
when i'm sober, i can cry
when i'm drunk, i feel the hurt a lot less
when i'm sober, i feel like i can move on

when i'm drunk, i look skinnier
when i'm sober, i avoid a mirror
when i'm drunk, i have confidence
when i'm sober, i realize i need to get out of this town

when i'm drunk, i like you
when i'm sober, i hate you
when i'm drunk, i think of -----
when i'm sober, i think of ------

when i'm drunk, i'm loud
when i'm sober, i'm quiet
when i'm drunk, i'm dumb
when i'm sober, i'm dumb
"how does a guy win a girl like you?"
"easy. he needs his heart completely available for me to devour whole."
"that sounds frightening."
"that's why only the fearless can win me."
"are you saying you're available?"
"i'm fucking starving."

Saturday, November 14, 2009

i want to eat his heart out

i'll eat your bloodied heart and remember the taste of it
i'll laugh with no pity for your tears
i've spilled enough of my own
you're nothing to me now but someone i've destroyed
your destruction is my hope in life
i'll see you in hell

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

i was in danger of falling in love

Friday, November 6, 2009

the original rebels

in the midst of turmoil
something so startlingly beautiful

i wish i could talk to you, l
but why do i feel like i can't?

depletion, but it's needed for the basics of everything

met someone
new,
by someone amazing
there's strength in numbers,
it gives me strength

.....

"hi... my name is...lisa.
and... I'm an alcoholic."

everyone: "welcome lisa"

"i... drink, because... before certain.. things... it made me a better person... i thought. but now.. i got so used to it. and now though...it doesn't make me a happier person or a better person. i can't stop my tears, in whatever occasion, only when i'm with people, certain people - even then- i can stop my tears... but... for some reason... i'd rather cry.... because it's more real to me than having that...reservation..."

silence.

"i drink because... (heavy laugh)... i don't know. ... that's something. i... don't know. i'm a woman.. i should be strong.. right? does race have anything to do with it? i drink because... i drink, because then, i'm no longer angry.... why do i have to be angry all the time? i've been taught... to... not to be angry. it's not "christian." --- "forgive and forget..." --- and then... what?"

"i do all these things... but i'm still angry... and i drink to no longer be angry..... and i wonder... why am i still angry..sober?"

silence.
she sits... in the circle.

an outsider included among outsiders...
.....

if there's no passion...
there's nothing

if the heart's not there
there's nothing

if it's just action without meaning
or meaning without action
it's all meaningless...
....

men write off "women's power"
their "coming together"
as lesbianism
because there's such passion in it, there's something new and amazing and surprising

it's because men don't realize....

it's a new thing - when two women can come together in something amazing
and it's beyond sex, or sexual desire, there's no lesbianism.

we may not understand men's compansionship (as natural as it seems) -
but we envy it

and when it happens among women for us - it's so amazing, so powerful - we just get that glimpse of men - because it is so categorized in a man's world - but sadly the truth of it is...

women, would give up everything - EVER-RY-THING - for a man they love,but a man would not...

and in that...

is the breaker of equalization.

we strive for human connection.
men... want to stay on the throne.
and even then. we'd let them... just to feel they have something...

whatever it may be.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

excerpt

a girl sits naked at her dining table, her hair wet, fresh from a hot shower. she has a J&B on the rocks in front of her, she sips from it occasionally, lost in thought. she eyes her cell phone on the table. silent contact. she stands with her glass, walks over to her stereo, turns it on and begins to dance.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

save me

Saturday, October 31, 2009

hypnosis

"relax, take deep breaths
close your eyes
slow and steady
nice and easy
let your worries, your thoughts, tomorrow and the past
be sucked out from the crown of your head
clear the mind and make it empty space
i'm going to count backwards from five
and when i say open your eyes,
you'll be just the way you were before all this

"five, before you ever had the chance to regret
four, before you ever met him
three, before any self-loathing appeared
two, before the patheticism that you have evolved into
one.

"open your-"

Friday, October 30, 2009

am i so unwanted
i wonder
that i piss and shit and wallow in it?
the intensity i will bring
because all of me is all i have to give and am willing

no one ever wants me
they'd rather die
they'd rather escape
than be anywhere in the midst of me

i am who i am
i do what i do
maybe i will find the one
maybe i won't

this is why i don't give up my life for love
i pursue my dreams
and when/if they come true
and i am still alone
i will still find the purpose to remain

a dweller
with a forward momentum

meny men


[mapplethorpe]

j was such a pretty dick
b was so small
e was too tall to tell
j made up for it
j is one of those you cannot tell
until you miss it

i should have snapped a picture of each
to line them side by side
boners are something i believe
no one should ever hide

they are magnificent in its morning glory
and satisfying when they fall

they are simply objects
and women will rule them all

Friday, October 23, 2009

paper cranes


"I knew a girl who made paper cranes. Tiny ones. Colorful ones. She put each crane into a bottle, filled it up, then began to fill another. I remember seeing these bottles all lined up in no particular order, but she remembered when each one was made, which one was oldest. I had asked her what she wished for, because by then, she made over a thousand. She didn't look up as she finished a fold and dropped it down a long slender neck of a clear glass bottle. I don't wish for anything. Why not, I asked. Her eyes met mine as she said, because, what if it comes true? Later, I heard she disappeared, but not after she crashed each bottle broken onto the concrete sidewalk. The cranes lay, scattered along with broken glass. Some scene it must have been. She let me choose one of the bottles to take. She said I understood. I look at my bottle now, the multicolored cranes, once beautiful and alive seem trapped in such a cramped space, one on top of the other. I thought it wrong not to let the cranes free..."

liar liar

yes you're right
maybe i'm not ready for this
maybe i thought i could get a rise out of you
something true
something you could possibly feel for me
but i realize
that's an impossibility.
i'll never have you,
as a possessive man might want.

but maybe when these wounds heal
i'll be healed. at least that's my goal.

and then we can fuck


balance

if you're happy inside. don't look at the pictures that will follow.
if you're not sure
look at the pictures.
if they're unbearable,
maybe you're better off than you think.
if you can't look away,
because you see yourself
surely, we share something in common
and don't call me shirley








how do i quit you?

i don't want to be alone anymore

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

"i'm not your revenge fuck"

i was counting the months we've been together
he's been counting the months he's been apart
he's supposed to say, let's start over.
because he's the heartbreaker
and i'm the heartbroken
and it's not the heartbroken's say

his one lie turned into multiple lies
he bullshitted a bullshitter

how sly for a white guy

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

farewell


farewell silent lover

you let me think it was me all along
but i gave more
i was ready to fall in love

the pain of this realization after so close an end
to what i thought the possibility of love

but it's not your fault either

it is
life

the interactions
i value most

this pain
will take a bit
to die
as i am

obsession

my human form is eclipsed by death
as an obsession i cannot tear myself from
the darkness is more startling than the glaring light
it holds so much more for me in promise
in relief
in the void that could wash out
(because it does)
humanity.

i see no evil in death
i hear no evil
i say nothing of evil in death

to have a man like that join death
i could not help but make him a part of that obsession
now whenever i writhe and curse god to kill me
he is intertwined in those thoughts
that make my pain more realized

who has the better end of the bargain?
i still think, not me.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

when i heard you died,
all that i could hear in my head was
"of course."

........

when i realize you don't care
i feel more dead

........

when i see you do care
i wonder

.......

are you waiting for me?
or am i waiting for you?

whatever the case may be
i'm waiting.

.......

"...standing in line to see the show tonight
and there's a light on
heavy glow..."

Monday, October 12, 2009

i laugh
when i see his barely smoked menthol in the ash tray
i fantasize
about the reason it was set aside
calculated it must have been
to have put out the cherry
saved
yet neglected

i smoke his smoked cigarette
and wonder where his lips had touched and now touches mine
alone
with a thoughtless smile

Saturday, October 10, 2009

mercurial fantasy

i had a dream about him.

he was on my computer and saw the message i had written to someone. he turned to me and i turned away, but he held tight my body, so i turned my head. he took my glasses off and set them aside. i said, "What?" he said, "You can cry." and i couldn't. then i did. but i only allowed one. and it dried on my cheek, and there was nothing more to say.

was it a dream or did you let me cry in your arms about someone forever lost to me?

Monday, October 5, 2009

re: quest

a fantasy i will work my whole life to come true:

all straight MEN dancing in front of me. not choreographed. not stylized. not talented. just let go and free.

where's the women's lap dance?

where are the women's dicky bars?

just move the way you feel. it's not sex. it's a sex teaser. in a way it's more exciting, because it's public decency; you won't be arrested for dancing in public. but you know you always wanted to do it in public.

there's something in letting your mind go and your body move.
it's like acting.
it's like sex.
it's like being on shrooms.

it's experiencing all that life is at the moment.

dance.

if there were clubs around this town like studio 54 or ones in Saturday Night Fever
i'd go just to WATCH them dance
then let myself get lost

so will you dance for me?

broken

there's something about a broken girl you feel you can be in a normal relationship with

she's loud and boisterous
very much a man in a man's world
but something about the way she moves
the unreserve
the coarse language
and the silence that follows
makes you want to fuck her

there is nothing normal about her

she may become what you want her to become
she may do things kind and surprising
she may service you like a loyal lapdog
but this bitch is still caged

beware of the bite

Saturday, October 3, 2009

the silence is defecating

i am that whisper of smoke, thinning out and disappearing
above the crushed cigarette

Monday, September 28, 2009

reluctant lifer

if you take me, take me by force
if you love me, don't
if you touch me, leave a bruise
if you use me, please abuse

....

the little girl sitting on the swing,
swinging, lifeless and meaningless,
watching cars drone by in dull, listless paths from one destination to another.
she swings, the blue color of her eyes just barely seen, the blond of her hair just gray.
so young, but not vibrant, so childlike, but full of age.
where did the passion go? where did life disappear to?
what is happening to a once living life
as though passion would sweep one to the end of days?

...

I’m infected by inaction. I’m infected with infections. I’m infected by gross misconduct. I’m infected by the ineffectual affection of effect. I’m affected.

..

The light travels down the spine, depositing a naked glow
Fingertips alight, the touch, smooth
How could one deny such peaceful calm, to think she would not have lived
If one decision had been made, this moment would not exist.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

they say i seem to be going uphill
but they don't want to know
this is the steepest hill yet

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

.show me.

"we're wasting time
let's fall in love
live intensely
reach our limit
fall dramatically
it'll end soon
so let's get lost in each other
and cry about it one day, alone
when memory is evidence of experience
and dreams are evidence
of never becoming," so she proclaims to life.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

When you need some body the most is when you find yourself the most alone.

But then I am a bit of crazy

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

public intox

"And you thought i was just some other girl, and you had no idea what you were in for."

......

I like to wrestle all my men... I can't say exactly why.
I'm not practical by any means. I could drive him crazy...to prevent myself from going crazy.

I could easily take on this psychotic character - because at this stage in life - why the fuck not? It's like being a snake - discarding one skin for the other - just for the hell of it.

.....

I'm waiting for him to push me away. If he takes too long to do it... I will.

.....

It's a pistol shot in the distance, and it misses me every time.

....

What's the use of talking with unlike minds?
Deliberate practice

The start of a new era//Let's stop talking.

That boy is an mini-Eddie.

....

Each man you come across is just that.
Mini versions of the man you really want.
But you still fuck him.
Because you can always fuck the pain away.

You're still too much in your mind.
And you can't escape without aid

But then you settle with one of those mini versions and hate every moment.
Every moment burns away at your core, and you become a mini version of yourself
You feel yourself boiling as you sit and watch him with hatred.

He turns to you. You look away.
He never sees it coming.
The gun pointed at his head.

Because you fuck with the same passion.
The initial one.
To fuck the pain away.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

hidden consequence

you're my daughter

If you murder, I love you
If you fail, I love you
If you never compare, I love you
Just know, you're my hidden consequence

I didn't know love and shame went hand in hand

Sunday, August 9, 2009

re:

she sits there, unlike everyone
she is, unlike everyone
she watches them as she is, unlike everyone
nowhere anywhere is what she would call somewhere she belongs
she doesn't

.......

it's been a week. 
the blood.
where is the blood?
what's so great about it that we do it?
what do we really want to achieve?
........

it's a mixture of everything.
xiii
there's something cursed about this month 
job 3
there's something cursed
about me
........

no matter who is there to support you, you're alone when the time comes.
at the pivotal, climactic moment, everyone falls away and there is only you to rely on
only your strength, your courage
grow some, or get some
balls

Sunday, August 2, 2009

.embrace.

"hold me."
he does so, noticing the pained look in her eyes, he asks no questions, but complies.
he gently places her head on his shoulder, her forehead is wet with cold sweat
he feels her clenched. 
he wants to say relax, but he thinks it.
he wants to say everything is okay, but he wills it.
he wants to say, i love you... and silence ensues.

he did not know the next morning she would be gone.
....

(a naturally happy disposition x a period of trial) / complete lack of support from loved ones = indulgence in all that is pleasurable NOW

thank you. math-genius not responsible.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Brief Interviews

.tell-tale signs.

"You've changed."
"No I didn't... How?"
"In the little things. With whatever you do, you have...something."
"What?"
"A secret you want to tell the world."
"I don't have a secret."
"That you want to tell the world? But you do have a secret. At least something that you haven't told anyone yet."
"It's not something the world needs to know."
"True, it's not something the world needs to know, it's not something anyone really needs to know, but it's something that is already known, because without knowing it, you've told, and you've just admitted that you did have something to tell that you are in fact telling."
"How do you know any of this as fact?"
"It's life. Happens to everyone living."
"But I was dying."
"You're not anymore are you?"
"No...but, I don't know what I am anymore."
"Well, in my opinion, that's living in the face of fear and defying it."

.filling the questionnaire.

"Who put this here?"
"Why does that matter?"
"Why does it have to matter?" I asked, didn't I?"
"Where's the fucking server? Menu, please. No scratch that, just gin and tonic."
"Can I see your I.D.? - Thank you."
"Why are you drinking in  the middle of the day?"
"What, like I can only drink at night?"
"You're not getting any are you?"
"Why do men suck?"
"You're really asking that question?"
"Why can't they just know when, where, and why and fucking especially, how?"
"Why can't the cute ones be straight?"
"Why are they so dumb?"
"Why can't they read minds?"
"Why the fuck do they expect a relationship from me, when I just want to fuck and go - Thank you."
"Wait. Fuck and go? I thought you did want a relationship."
"Do you think I, crazy fuck up, can have an actual relationship? Have you ever seen me cuddle anything, be kind to anyone, gentle with others? - No."
"How does any of that define you as a non-relationship-type person?"
"Why can't I stop wanting what I can't ever get?"
"What is it you want?"


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"a dreamer dreams, she never dies"

You visit a place again, because the novel experience is what you wish to repeat. But it is never.

Friends, a trip, alcohol and weed. Let's say "friends". Who called the police?
I claim the weed. I offer up my wrists, facing up, as though to be slit. Let the bloody chains bind my end. 

My family is informed of my imprisonment. No trial necessary. 38 days in jail.  Three days before, and my mother supports me more than anyone in my life. She tells me, do not struggle when a blade is at your neck, and you're forced to do things  you don't want to. She looks strong, for me. But i see worry. It hurts me that she would wrinkle and age because of her daughter. You'd think...

I wanted it. I felt i deserved it more than the others. What life do i have?  And then i wake up.

...

driven, yet my directions are wrong
dirt roads give way to a dead end
and I wonder why paths are so strictly followed-
are we that afraid to crash?
a legendary death, a miracle survival;
only dull lives wish for such excitement,
dull lives such as mine.
excitement, which never comes to the dulled,
surprises those in their prime,
dusted away...why do we live in such
a switched place?

...

i will never forget certain moments in time
the moments in time that echo eternity
the moments that change entirely
the moments that make history
one moment in time, i was reminded again of how culturally diverse i was
a grandfather, white and withered with age, drew back from my helpful hand, repulsed that i was not his same
one moment in time, i was reminded again of my old childhood days
children bored, one saturday afternoon, took the time to taunt and call names
what was i to do but have my courage and will stripped away? 
i hid from mere children and yet what was my age?
one moment in time, history brought change
and i stepped into the world
one moment in time came when everyday my thoughts were the same:
when will i step out of the world?
what made me who i am today were moments in time collected
such moments in time are seen as one
a trip through my life is enough
i have lived.
i have not loved.
but i am done all the same.

...

i am unworthy of a capital i

...

at eighteen, i think it is safe to say, i have had enough
enough of the splendor i never had
enough of the love i never knew
enough of the nights i felt so blue
enough of the parties i never went to
enough of the hype of passion and romance
enough of the hollywood stars and scandal
enough of the sad news on tv
enough of the war that never ends
enough of the blood spill in general
enough of the pain
at eighteen i think it is safe to say
i have had enough of life

...

would you rather be dull and have an exciting life
or be exciting and have a dull life?


Monday, July 13, 2009

"as though you were..."

Friday, 31 March 2006

About six more weeks of hell, then an interim of fucking laziness and zombie life before a long contract with death on earth. And I am about to ask my first guy out.

The guy said yes. I promise I will do everything to relieve the awkwardness.
I'm just afraid he'll change his mind over the weekend. It kinda sucks that I like him. I mean, if he was just another guy, I could be like who gives a fuck?

I'm just imagining that once I get back, John will be like, "Ah, no. I change my mind. I'm actually going with.... or not going at all or, I don't want to go with you."

....

The sun was receding below the horizon. The sky was a dark red/orange hue. She did not wish to retire. Not just yet.

"Shit."
"What?" He inquired.
"Nothing." -silence- "All right. I don't want to go back to the academy."
"Oh." -silence.
Of course, she thought, he did not feel the same.
"We don't have to," he said.
"Yeah, we could just keep on walking... You must have been surprised."
"Surprised? Why?"
"Because of how we never talked to each other, and I suddenly...approached you."
He was silent. He smiles.
"No, you weren't all that bad. But you made it..."
"I made it what?"
"You made it out like you wanted to be just friends."
"Shit. I know right, because otherwise, I wouldn't be so awkward."
"So you do want to be more than just friends?"
"And what about you, are you tolerating me or just teasing?"
"I like being with you. Because you make me feel comfortable, and you're fun."
"Well, hell, you don't make me comfortable so much as nervous."
"Nervous? How do I make you nervous?"

This whole time they had been playing a game. A game where they each tried to convince themselves that he and she did not like the other in a certain way. So the game they played had them winning and losing equally. For the two were more alike than they realized. They may have been more alike than they wanted. And the more they spent together, the more they found each other more attractive. Yet when each are alone in their rooms at night, they erase all the possibilities of something more. So the game begins all over again the next day.

...

They have never spoken to each other up to this point. But she has slowly been developing feelings for him as a stranger. As she does with strangers...

He takes a seat.

Damn, she thought. I just rolled out of bed and threw on a cap.

We're sitting with him, her friend says.
Her heart falls to the floor and her courage takes flight.

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

Call her selfish, but she wanted him all to herself. Alone. In the dark. In an alley.

She sits one person away from him. Plan was flawed. They were nowhere near each other, therefore, this gesture was not obvious. Her friends were extra lively. She dulled immensely in comparison. Her words were drowned immediately. Failure.

Pissed off now, she marches to the isolation of her room and believes it will never work. The rest of the day, they miss each other. In a way she is relieved.

At night, she is told to just ask. As bold as she was, this was an overall nerve racking task. She knew she saw him just once for sure every other day. That was when she would ask.

She did not see him all day that when she did see him, she nearly let him go. They exchanged smiles, very polite, but she stopped him, right in time, so as not to be chasing after him.

Hey, actually, John, do you have a moment? She asked him. She was prepared either way, yet she heard that his "reception was good" and that it was most likely a yes.

How she asked him was simple enough, and his eager reply in the affirmative was a pleasant surprise.

She thought she would not see him until after the weekend but then the presence she tried so much to sense snuck right behind her. But this time, once again, it went back to the nods and smiles.

...

She couldn't stop thinking about him all day and night.
And yet it wasn't so dramatic as that because she was not the type to talk about it, nor bring it up. She felt ridiculous, because in reality, it wasn't a big deal...

...

There is what is called intervis.

She had the chance to invite him up to her room. So she did. Because if she didn't, she would wonder if he expected her to invite him up, and that not doing so would signify the negative.
Goddammit.

...

She stayed downstairs waiting around, perchance he would come through. And he did. Except she did not invite him to stay, because he appeared as though he was going up. And he did. Since he did, she did. But she head he had come back down. So once again. Damn.

...

She escorted him back...then she realized she would escort him all the way downstairs which she does. The conversation then went very well. They talked about Prom before which he offered his arm, which she took. Grandiloquent gesture that threw her off. Apparently, she came near to his height, so she knew she had to throw out the possibility of wearing heels. Then, the dancing. She talked of how they would rock the floor. He said they'd be hot. Great, then they came to a stop right behind a couple. Awkward. Let's move on over there, she suggested. They spoke some more, but she might have sent him off too soon. She didn't wish to keep him when he didn't want to. But she also did not know him well enough to figure him out. So she'll just be making assumptions.

...

The extra effort for "socializing" was kept. She waits down there, plays ping pong, and finds him going to eat. She lets him go after she greets him...by yelling.

She waits around downstairs for a while, and he does not come back, yet she still remains...

She sits with a friend. Waits. Then sits and watches the card game. Waits. He comes in. But they do not talk for he appeared to be going upstairs with others, so she didn't call him out to ask him to join. Since he was gone, what was the point to stay, so she left. Everyone did.

She learned afterward that he had come back down and inquired about the card game. She did not want to jump to conclusions...but she really liked him. She hoped he would like her.

...

After taking pictures, everyone decided to procrastinate.

She played fooseball downstairs with friends. They were so caught up in the excitement, she did not notice his presence. Even after her friends greeted him, she was startled.

It did not help the fact that he was gorgeous.

They played together then, but she remained subdued, for she could not compete with such noise. But it was enjoyable anyway. She only hoped he would...

She does have her doubts about him as well. Does she want him to be experienced? Does she want him to have messed around with others? Does she want something more?

...

She had just asked him out that week. She prepares herself to tell him to have a nice weekend, since she will be gone, except it came out all wrong.

What came out was something like, "Ah, you'll miss me this weekend."
To which he replied, "Oh well."

She felt like an idiot.

...

Out of my comfort, I step towards you
If only you would receive me.
I feel that I fail whatever I do
Because I'm afraid I don't have you.

...

"When we talked monday, when his class was canceled, I could not help but notice that he hadn't shaved. He's taller than I thought. He as bright eyes and a great smile..."

...

The world was wasted in one night when she let him...
Every warmth was taken away, when she left him
She felt lost in every possible way, when she caressed him
But in her heart she knew, nothing would ever be the same.

The death brought an end... for the dead.