Tuesday, January 26, 2010

if i used to be someone i never really were
and was becoming someone i already am
then what the fuck's the point?


i think it's worse because it's nearing your birthday.
february 2nd.
if it's my day off,
i'm visiting your grave

Sunday, January 24, 2010

the war with self

i love you, self
in your most downer moments
in your most depressive thoughts
in your complete isolation of mind
(as people pass you by, even touching you)

i love you
we are still alive
maybe alone

but you're dying with me
and know that i love you
in your most downer moments
in your most depressive thoughts
in your complete isolation of mind
as people pass you by

as long as we're both still breathing
let's have that drink
that we deserve


am i the only one
who ponders
"where do the suicides go?"

like the movie
what dreams may come

i will never believe some suicides
deserve hell

an ongoing list, updated every so often... that i might find...

sylvia plath
david foster wallace

(among the first that come to mind, besides the fictional characters:
anna karenina
madame bovary
*kate chopin's character in "the awakening")

Friday, January 15, 2010

"i have my own recipe of bullshit, and i won't digest any other bullshit"


there's something different about the young and the old
the young laugh when the old walk away
but the old walk away knowing something


"looks like things have changed."
"how's that?"
"now you're chasing me."
"it means i'm not dead...yet."
"it means i'm not dead yet."


looking around the near empty bar
drinking to intoxication,
to the beyond
(wherever that is
never went there sober, so wouldn't know)

couldn't help but pause and think
the weight of things that would never let me
just fly away
(but it could've just been the beer sitting
in my belly)

then i think
maybe i'm next
and with a smile
i chug the last half

because while it's half empty
why the hell not?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

No. 3

we met for the fourth time after a period of break
i was surprised he agreed to see me
after how i felt i treated him the last time

he still thinks the same about me
which warms my heart because
he either still sees the good in me that never changed
or still wants me, and that never changed


today was too much for my delicate nerves
they're delicate, once you get past the fifty feet high brick wall
after you scale it
you'll see tears all too easy
but sometimes, i bring the wall down myself


quit blaming yourself
let others breathe for themselves
you are not the savior of your family
you're not even the savior of yourself

there is no savior

we're all going to die one day

oh, and by the way
happy 25th anniversary

Thursday, January 7, 2010


shoveling 5 inches of snow off 25(?) feet long driveway: 30 min
enjoying a cigarette laying down in 5 inches of snow in the backyard,
watching the stars dance before my eyes,
waiting for my heartbeat to go down: priceless

manual labor is a soul purifier

Saturday, January 2, 2010

and there she goes;
life, as beautiful as she should be...
never to be seen again.


i cried my brown colored eyes out
for no clear reason
in a crowded restaurant
that showed no heart


i'm enjoying seagrams and coke
and whenever i do, i only think of one person
i hope you're laying comfortably
in your grave


my different obsessions with alcohol
were like the men i've had
were parallel to my growing sexuality
were representative of my sexual becoming

my first sip of alcohol
i'm sure it was mixed
with coke
in the safety of my older cousin
she got me into a bar, and
i was only sixteen.
that was my first experience.
this thirty year old man kissed me on the cheek
he didn't believe
i hadn't kissed a boy by then.

i experienced losing my virginity sober
it was void of passion
filled with too much speculation
created by calculation
cold prod
gloved hands
stiff sanitation sheet against my back
legs spread
as he plunges in.
too sober, with too much mix.
but i remember kissing him in the morning
as i walked out the door, smiling
with a hopeful heart
there was blood on those sheets.