reluctant lifer

if you take me, take me by force
if you love me, don't
if you touch me, leave a bruise
if you use me, please abuse

....

the little girl sitting on the swing,
swinging, lifeless and meaningless,
watching cars drone by in dull, listless paths from one destination to another.
she swings, the blue color of her eyes just barely seen, the blond of her hair just gray.
so young, but not vibrant, so childlike, but full of age.
where did the passion go? where did life disappear to?
what is happening to a once living life
as though passion would sweep one to the end of days?

...

I’m infected by inaction. I’m infected with infections. I’m infected by gross misconduct. I’m infected by the ineffectual affection of effect. I’m affected.

..

The light travels down the spine, depositing a naked glow
Fingertips alight, the touch, smooth
How could one deny such peaceful calm, to think she would not have lived
If one decision had been made, this moment would not exist.

they say i seem to be going uphill
but they don't want to know
this is the steepest hill yet

.show me.

"we're wasting time
let's fall in love
live intensely
reach our limit
fall dramatically
it'll end soon
so let's get lost in each other
and cry about it one day, alone
when memory is evidence of experience
and dreams are evidence
of never becoming," so she proclaims to life.

When you need some body the most is when you find yourself the most alone.

But then I am a bit of crazy

public intox

"And you thought i was just some other girl, and you had no idea what you were in for."

......

I like to wrestle all my men... I can't say exactly why.

I'm not practical by any means. I could drive him crazy...to prevent myself from going crazy.

I could easily take on this psychotic character - because at this stage in life - why the fuck not? It's like being a snake - discarding one skin for the other - just for the hell of it.

.....

I'm waiting for him to push me away. If he takes too long to do it... I will.

.....

It's a pistol shot in the distance, and it misses me every time.

....

What's the use of talking with unlike minds?

Deliberate practice

The start of a new era//Let's stop talking.

That boy is an mini-Eddie.

....

Each man you come across is just that.

Mini versions of the man you really want.

But you still fuck him.

Because you can always fuck the pain away.

You're still too much in your mind.

And you can't escape without aid

But then you settle with one of those mini versions and hate every moment.

Every moment burns away at your core, and you become a mini version of yourself

You feel yourself boiling as you sit and watch him with hatred.

He turns to you. You look away.

He never sees it coming.

The gun pointed at his head.

Because you fuck with the same passion.

The initial one.

To fuck the pain away.