Wednesday, June 23, 2010

i've given every fucking inch of me
to my parents all this time

it's all i know how to do-
give every inch of me

they've fucked me up

i realize at one point,
they take and take and take
the essence of my being
teaching nothing but bullshit
i feel justified in my hate
i feel justified in my freedom
a complete freedom
even death
so defined
as freedom.

and then my growth from there;
i gave and gave and gave
to friends
who i thought were great friends
but weren't
they only took and took and took
and gave even less in return
as my parents
bullshit
i felt justified in my hate
now i feel nothing for them
i don't have one inch of care for them
but i can pretend
to care
but i can't help but think my mother
being right about what she said about
friends vs. family
but i'm still out to prove
it's not always the case

because it can't
always
be the case
not
always.

then i went through a period of isolation
i lived alone
i had to for my own experiment
for my own piece of mind
no matter how crazy i went
no matter what drove me there
no matter what demons i found
in my reflection

after which
i came to realize
the truth

no matter how much family may love you
til death
nothing can compare to the seeming love
that "strangers"
friends who aren't family
people you just happen to meet
the people who've experienced the most trying times w. you
the people who were there for you when you cried like a babe
the people who supported you when family abandoned

this is what i've experienced

mother

is it wrong that i wish for death?

death to someone...
i may think death for others

but i'll save that one wish for me.

i may hate things about life.
but it can't be a person's fault...

especially when i've stopped talking to you.
you could not have known.

that i wished for death

Thursday, June 17, 2010

it's odd how happy i feel
when i imagine myself dead