Friday, July 24, 2009

Brief Interviews

.tell-tale signs.

"You've changed."
"No I didn't... How?"
"In the little things. With whatever you do, you have...something."
"A secret you want to tell the world."
"I don't have a secret."
"That you want to tell the world? But you do have a secret. At least something that you haven't told anyone yet."
"It's not something the world needs to know."
"True, it's not something the world needs to know, it's not something anyone really needs to know, but it's something that is already known, because without knowing it, you've told, and you've just admitted that you did have something to tell that you are in fact telling."
"How do you know any of this as fact?"
"It's life. Happens to everyone living."
"But I was dying."
"You're not anymore are you?"
"No...but, I don't know what I am anymore."
"Well, in my opinion, that's living in the face of fear and defying it."

.filling the questionnaire.

"Who put this here?"
"Why does that matter?"
"Why does it have to matter?" I asked, didn't I?"
"Where's the fucking server? Menu, please. No scratch that, just gin and tonic."
"Can I see your I.D.? - Thank you."
"Why are you drinking in  the middle of the day?"
"What, like I can only drink at night?"
"You're not getting any are you?"
"Why do men suck?"
"You're really asking that question?"
"Why can't they just know when, where, and why and fucking especially, how?"
"Why can't the cute ones be straight?"
"Why are they so dumb?"
"Why can't they read minds?"
"Why the fuck do they expect a relationship from me, when I just want to fuck and go - Thank you."
"Wait. Fuck and go? I thought you did want a relationship."
"Do you think I, crazy fuck up, can have an actual relationship? Have you ever seen me cuddle anything, be kind to anyone, gentle with others? - No."
"How does any of that define you as a non-relationship-type person?"
"Why can't I stop wanting what I can't ever get?"
"What is it you want?"

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"a dreamer dreams, she never dies"

You visit a place again, because the novel experience is what you wish to repeat. But it is never.

Friends, a trip, alcohol and weed. Let's say "friends". Who called the police?
I claim the weed. I offer up my wrists, facing up, as though to be slit. Let the bloody chains bind my end. 

My family is informed of my imprisonment. No trial necessary. 38 days in jail.  Three days before, and my mother supports me more than anyone in my life. She tells me, do not struggle when a blade is at your neck, and you're forced to do things  you don't want to. She looks strong, for me. But i see worry. It hurts me that she would wrinkle and age because of her daughter. You'd think...

I wanted it. I felt i deserved it more than the others. What life do i have?  And then i wake up.


driven, yet my directions are wrong
dirt roads give way to a dead end
and I wonder why paths are so strictly followed-
are we that afraid to crash?
a legendary death, a miracle survival;
only dull lives wish for such excitement,
dull lives such as mine.
excitement, which never comes to the dulled,
surprises those in their prime,
dusted away...why do we live in such
a switched place?


i will never forget certain moments in time
the moments in time that echo eternity
the moments that change entirely
the moments that make history
one moment in time, i was reminded again of how culturally diverse i was
a grandfather, white and withered with age, drew back from my helpful hand, repulsed that i was not his same
one moment in time, i was reminded again of my old childhood days
children bored, one saturday afternoon, took the time to taunt and call names
what was i to do but have my courage and will stripped away? 
i hid from mere children and yet what was my age?
one moment in time, history brought change
and i stepped into the world
one moment in time came when everyday my thoughts were the same:
when will i step out of the world?
what made me who i am today were moments in time collected
such moments in time are seen as one
a trip through my life is enough
i have lived.
i have not loved.
but i am done all the same.


i am unworthy of a capital i


at eighteen, i think it is safe to say, i have had enough
enough of the splendor i never had
enough of the love i never knew
enough of the nights i felt so blue
enough of the parties i never went to
enough of the hype of passion and romance
enough of the hollywood stars and scandal
enough of the sad news on tv
enough of the war that never ends
enough of the blood spill in general
enough of the pain
at eighteen i think it is safe to say
i have had enough of life


would you rather be dull and have an exciting life
or be exciting and have a dull life?

Monday, July 13, 2009

"as though you were..."

Friday, 31 March 2006

About six more weeks of hell, then an interim of fucking laziness and zombie life before a long contract with death on earth. And I am about to ask my first guy out.

The guy said yes. I promise I will do everything to relieve the awkwardness.
I'm just afraid he'll change his mind over the weekend. It kinda sucks that I like him. I mean, if he was just another guy, I could be like who gives a fuck?

I'm just imagining that once I get back, John will be like, "Ah, no. I change my mind. I'm actually going with.... or not going at all or, I don't want to go with you."


The sun was receding below the horizon. The sky was a dark red/orange hue. She did not wish to retire. Not just yet.

"What?" He inquired.
"Nothing." -silence- "All right. I don't want to go back to the academy."
"Oh." -silence.
Of course, she thought, he did not feel the same.
"We don't have to," he said.
"Yeah, we could just keep on walking... You must have been surprised."
"Surprised? Why?"
"Because of how we never talked to each other, and I suddenly...approached you."
He was silent. He smiles.
"No, you weren't all that bad. But you made it..."
"I made it what?"
"You made it out like you wanted to be just friends."
"Shit. I know right, because otherwise, I wouldn't be so awkward."
"So you do want to be more than just friends?"
"And what about you, are you tolerating me or just teasing?"
"I like being with you. Because you make me feel comfortable, and you're fun."
"Well, hell, you don't make me comfortable so much as nervous."
"Nervous? How do I make you nervous?"

This whole time they had been playing a game. A game where they each tried to convince themselves that he and she did not like the other in a certain way. So the game they played had them winning and losing equally. For the two were more alike than they realized. They may have been more alike than they wanted. And the more they spent together, the more they found each other more attractive. Yet when each are alone in their rooms at night, they erase all the possibilities of something more. So the game begins all over again the next day.


They have never spoken to each other up to this point. But she has slowly been developing feelings for him as a stranger. As she does with strangers...

He takes a seat.

Damn, she thought. I just rolled out of bed and threw on a cap.

We're sitting with him, her friend says.
Her heart falls to the floor and her courage takes flight.


Call her selfish, but she wanted him all to herself. Alone. In the dark. In an alley.

She sits one person away from him. Plan was flawed. They were nowhere near each other, therefore, this gesture was not obvious. Her friends were extra lively. She dulled immensely in comparison. Her words were drowned immediately. Failure.

Pissed off now, she marches to the isolation of her room and believes it will never work. The rest of the day, they miss each other. In a way she is relieved.

At night, she is told to just ask. As bold as she was, this was an overall nerve racking task. She knew she saw him just once for sure every other day. That was when she would ask.

She did not see him all day that when she did see him, she nearly let him go. They exchanged smiles, very polite, but she stopped him, right in time, so as not to be chasing after him.

Hey, actually, John, do you have a moment? She asked him. She was prepared either way, yet she heard that his "reception was good" and that it was most likely a yes.

How she asked him was simple enough, and his eager reply in the affirmative was a pleasant surprise.

She thought she would not see him until after the weekend but then the presence she tried so much to sense snuck right behind her. But this time, once again, it went back to the nods and smiles.


She couldn't stop thinking about him all day and night.
And yet it wasn't so dramatic as that because she was not the type to talk about it, nor bring it up. She felt ridiculous, because in reality, it wasn't a big deal...


There is what is called intervis.

She had the chance to invite him up to her room. So she did. Because if she didn't, she would wonder if he expected her to invite him up, and that not doing so would signify the negative.


She stayed downstairs waiting around, perchance he would come through. And he did. Except she did not invite him to stay, because he appeared as though he was going up. And he did. Since he did, she did. But she head he had come back down. So once again. Damn.


She escorted him back...then she realized she would escort him all the way downstairs which she does. The conversation then went very well. They talked about Prom before which he offered his arm, which she took. Grandiloquent gesture that threw her off. Apparently, she came near to his height, so she knew she had to throw out the possibility of wearing heels. Then, the dancing. She talked of how they would rock the floor. He said they'd be hot. Great, then they came to a stop right behind a couple. Awkward. Let's move on over there, she suggested. They spoke some more, but she might have sent him off too soon. She didn't wish to keep him when he didn't want to. But she also did not know him well enough to figure him out. So she'll just be making assumptions.


The extra effort for "socializing" was kept. She waits down there, plays ping pong, and finds him going to eat. She lets him go after she greets yelling.

She waits around downstairs for a while, and he does not come back, yet she still remains...

She sits with a friend. Waits. Then sits and watches the card game. Waits. He comes in. But they do not talk for he appeared to be going upstairs with others, so she didn't call him out to ask him to join. Since he was gone, what was the point to stay, so she left. Everyone did.

She learned afterward that he had come back down and inquired about the card game. She did not want to jump to conclusions...but she really liked him. She hoped he would like her.


After taking pictures, everyone decided to procrastinate.

She played fooseball downstairs with friends. They were so caught up in the excitement, she did not notice his presence. Even after her friends greeted him, she was startled.

It did not help the fact that he was gorgeous.

They played together then, but she remained subdued, for she could not compete with such noise. But it was enjoyable anyway. She only hoped he would...

She does have her doubts about him as well. Does she want him to be experienced? Does she want him to have messed around with others? Does she want something more?


She had just asked him out that week. She prepares herself to tell him to have a nice weekend, since she will be gone, except it came out all wrong.

What came out was something like, "Ah, you'll miss me this weekend."
To which he replied, "Oh well."

She felt like an idiot.


Out of my comfort, I step towards you
If only you would receive me.
I feel that I fail whatever I do
Because I'm afraid I don't have you.


"When we talked monday, when his class was canceled, I could not help but notice that he hadn't shaved. He's taller than I thought. He as bright eyes and a great smile..."


The world was wasted in one night when she let him...
Every warmth was taken away, when she left him
She felt lost in every possible way, when she caressed him
But in her heart she knew, nothing would ever be the same.

The death brought an end... for the dead.