Saturday, October 31, 2009


"relax, take deep breaths
close your eyes
slow and steady
nice and easy
let your worries, your thoughts, tomorrow and the past
be sucked out from the crown of your head
clear the mind and make it empty space
i'm going to count backwards from five
and when i say open your eyes,
you'll be just the way you were before all this

"five, before you ever had the chance to regret
four, before you ever met him
three, before any self-loathing appeared
two, before the patheticism that you have evolved into

"open your-"

Friday, October 30, 2009

am i so unwanted
i wonder
that i piss and shit and wallow in it?
the intensity i will bring
because all of me is all i have to give and am willing

no one ever wants me
they'd rather die
they'd rather escape
than be anywhere in the midst of me

i am who i am
i do what i do
maybe i will find the one
maybe i won't

this is why i don't give up my life for love
i pursue my dreams
and when/if they come true
and i am still alone
i will still find the purpose to remain

a dweller
with a forward momentum

Friday, October 23, 2009

paper cranes

"I knew a girl who made paper cranes. Tiny ones. Colorful ones. She put each crane into a bottle, filled it up, then began to fill another. I remember seeing these bottles all lined up in no particular order, but she remembered when each one was made, which one was oldest. I had asked her what she wished for, because by then, she made over a thousand. She didn't look up as she finished a fold and dropped it down a long slender neck of a clear glass bottle. I don't wish for anything. Why not, I asked. Her eyes met mine as she said, because, what if it comes true? Later, I heard she disappeared, but not after she crashed each bottle broken onto the concrete sidewalk. The cranes lay, scattered along with broken glass. Some scene it must have been. She let me choose one of the bottles to take. She said I understood. I look at my bottle now, the multicolored cranes, once beautiful and alive seem trapped in such a cramped space, one on top of the other. I thought it wrong not to let the cranes free..."

liar liar

yes you're right
maybe i'm not ready for this
maybe i thought i could get a rise out of you
something true
something you could possibly feel for me
but i realize
that's an impossibility.
i'll never have you,
as a possessive man might want.

but maybe when these wounds heal
i'll be healed. at least that's my goal.

and then we can fuck


if you're happy inside. don't look at the pictures that will follow.
if you're not sure
look at the pictures.
if they're unbearable,
maybe you're better off than you think.
if you can't look away,
because you see yourself
surely, we share something in common
and don't call me shirley

how do i quit you?

i don't want to be alone anymore

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

"i'm not your revenge fuck"

i was counting the months we've been together
he's been counting the months he's been apart
he's supposed to say, let's start over.
because he's the heartbreaker
and i'm the heartbroken
and it's not the heartbroken's say

his one lie turned into multiple lies
he bullshitted a bullshitter

how sly for a white guy

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


farewell silent lover

you let me think it was me all along
but i gave more
i was ready to fall in love

the pain of this realization after so close an end
to what i thought the possibility of love

but it's not your fault either

it is

the interactions
i value most

this pain
will take a bit
to die
as i am


my human form is eclipsed by death
as an obsession i cannot tear myself from
the darkness is more startling than the glaring light
it holds so much more for me in promise
in relief
in the void that could wash out
(because it does)

i see no evil in death
i hear no evil
i say nothing of evil in death

to have a man like that join death
i could not help but make him a part of that obsession
now whenever i writhe and curse god to kill me
he is intertwined in those thoughts
that make my pain more realized

who has the better end of the bargain?
i still think, not me.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

when i heard you died,
all that i could hear in my head was
"of course."


when i realize you don't care
i feel more dead


when i see you do care
i wonder


are you waiting for me?
or am i waiting for you?

whatever the case may be
i'm waiting.


"...standing in line to see the show tonight
and there's a light on
heavy glow..."

Monday, October 12, 2009

i laugh
when i see his barely smoked menthol in the ash tray
i fantasize
about the reason it was set aside
calculated it must have been
to have put out the cherry
yet neglected

i smoke his smoked cigarette
and wonder where his lips had touched and now touches mine
with a thoughtless smile

Saturday, October 10, 2009

mercurial fantasy

i had a dream about him.

he was on my computer and saw the message i had written to someone. he turned to me and i turned away, but he held tight my body, so i turned my head. he took my glasses off and set them aside. i said, "What?" he said, "You can cry." and i couldn't. then i did. but i only allowed one. and it dried on my cheek, and there was nothing more to say.

was it a dream or did you let me cry in your arms about someone forever lost to me?

Monday, October 5, 2009

re: quest

a fantasy i will work my whole life to come true:

all straight MEN dancing in front of me. not choreographed. not stylized. not talented. just let go and free.

where's the women's lap dance?

where are the women's dicky bars?

just move the way you feel. it's not sex. it's a sex teaser. in a way it's more exciting, because it's public decency; you won't be arrested for dancing in public. but you know you always wanted to do it in public.

there's something in letting your mind go and your body move.
it's like acting.
it's like sex.
it's like being on shrooms.

it's experiencing all that life is at the moment.


if there were clubs around this town like studio 54 or ones in Saturday Night Fever
i'd go just to WATCH them dance
then let myself get lost

so will you dance for me?


there's something about a broken girl you feel you can be in a normal relationship with

she's loud and boisterous
very much a man in a man's world
but something about the way she moves
the unreserve
the coarse language
and the silence that follows
makes you want to fuck her

there is nothing normal about her

she may become what you want her to become
she may do things kind and surprising
she may service you like a loyal lapdog
but this bitch is still caged

beware of the bite

Saturday, October 3, 2009

the silence is defecating

i am that whisper of smoke, thinning out and disappearing
above the crushed cigarette