"a dreamer dreams, she never dies"

You visit a place again, because the novel experience is what you wish to repeat. But it is never.

Friends, a trip, alcohol and weed. Let's say "friends". Who called the police?

I claim the weed. I offer up my wrists, facing up, as though to be slit. Let the bloody chains bind my end. 

My family is informed of my imprisonment. No trial necessary. 38 days in jail.  Three days before, and my mother supports me more than anyone in my life. She tells me, do not struggle when a blade is at your neck, and you're forced to do things  you don't want to. She looks strong, for me. But i see worry. It hurts me that she would wrinkle and age because of her daughter. You'd think...

I wanted it. I felt i deserved it more than the others. What life do i have?  And then i wake up.

...

driven, yet my directions are wrong

dirt roads give way to a dead end

and I wonder why paths are so strictly followed-

are we that afraid to crash?

a legendary death, a miracle survival;

only dull lives wish for such excitement,

dull lives such as mine.

excitement, which never comes to the dulled,

surprises those in their prime,

dusted away...why do we live in such

a switched place?

...

i will never forget certain moments in time

the moments in time that echo eternity

the moments that change entirely

the moments that make history

one moment in time, i was reminded again of how culturally diverse i was

a grandfather, white and withered with age, drew back from my helpful hand, repulsed that i was not his same

one moment in time, i was reminded again of my old childhood days

children bored, one saturday afternoon, took the time to taunt and call names

what was i to do but have my courage and will stripped away? 

i hid from mere children and yet what was my age?

one moment in time, history brought change

and i stepped into the world

one moment in time came when everyday my thoughts were the same:

when will i step out of the world?

what made me who i am today were moments in time collected

such moments in time are seen as one

a trip through my life is enough

i have lived.

i have not loved.

but i am done all the same.

...

i am unworthy of a capital i

...

at eighteen, i think it is safe to say, i have had enough

enough of the splendor i never had

enough of the love i never knew

enough of the nights i felt so blue

enough of the parties i never went to

enough of the hype of passion and romance

enough of the hollywood stars and scandal

enough of the sad news on tv

enough of the war that never ends

enough of the blood spill in general

enough of the pain

at eighteen i think it is safe to say

i have had enough of life

...

would you rather be dull and have an exciting life

or be exciting and have a dull life?