Friday, 31 March 2006
About six more weeks of hell, then an interim of fucking laziness and zombie life before a long contract with death on earth. And I am about to ask my first guy out.
The guy said yes. I promise I will do everything to relieve the awkwardness.
I'm just afraid he'll change his mind over the weekend. It kinda sucks that I like him. I mean, if he was just another guy, I could be like who gives a fuck?
I'm just imagining that once I get back, John will be like, "Ah, no. I change my mind. I'm actually going with.... or not going at all or, I don't want to go with you."
....
The sun was receding below the horizon. The sky was a dark red/orange hue. She did not wish to retire. Not just yet.
"Shit."
"What?" He inquired.
"Nothing." -silence- "All right. I don't want to go back to the academy."
"Oh." -silence.
Of course, she thought, he did not feel the same.
"We don't have to," he said.
"Yeah, we could just keep on walking... You must have been surprised."
"Surprised? Why?"
"Because of how we never talked to each other, and I suddenly...approached you."
He was silent. He smiles.
"No, you weren't all that bad. But you made it..."
"I made it what?"
"You made it out like you wanted to be just friends."
"Shit. I know right, because otherwise, I wouldn't be so awkward."
"So you do want to be more than just friends?"
"And what about you, are you tolerating me or just teasing?"
"I like being with you. Because you make me feel comfortable, and you're fun."
"Well, hell, you don't make me comfortable so much as nervous."
"Nervous? How do I make you nervous?"
This whole time they had been playing a game. A game where they each tried to convince themselves that he and she did not like the other in a certain way. So the game they played had them winning and losing equally. For the two were more alike than they realized. They may have been more alike than they wanted. And the more they spent together, the more they found each other more attractive. Yet when each are alone in their rooms at night, they erase all the possibilities of something more. So the game begins all over again the next day.
...
They have never spoken to each other up to this point. But she has slowly been developing feelings for him as a stranger. As she does with strangers...
He takes a seat.
Damn, she thought. I just rolled out of bed and threw on a cap.
We're sitting with him, her friend says.
Her heart falls to the floor and her courage takes flight.
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
Call her selfish, but she wanted him all to herself. Alone. In the dark. In an alley.
She sits one person away from him. Plan was flawed. They were nowhere near each other, therefore, this gesture was not obvious. Her friends were extra lively. She dulled immensely in comparison. Her words were drowned immediately. Failure.
Pissed off now, she marches to the isolation of her room and believes it will never work. The rest of the day, they miss each other. In a way she is relieved.
At night, she is told to just ask. As bold as she was, this was an overall nerve racking task. She knew she saw him just once for sure every other day. That was when she would ask.
She did not see him all day that when she did see him, she nearly let him go. They exchanged smiles, very polite, but she stopped him, right in time, so as not to be chasing after him.
Hey, actually, John, do you have a moment? She asked him. She was prepared either way, yet she heard that his "reception was good" and that it was most likely a yes.
How she asked him was simple enough, and his eager reply in the affirmative was a pleasant surprise.
She thought she would not see him until after the weekend but then the presence she tried so much to sense snuck right behind her. But this time, once again, it went back to the nods and smiles.
...
She couldn't stop thinking about him all day and night.
And yet it wasn't so dramatic as that because she was not the type to talk about it, nor bring it up. She felt ridiculous, because in reality, it wasn't a big deal...
...
There is what is called intervis.
She had the chance to invite him up to her room. So she did. Because if she didn't, she would wonder if he expected her to invite him up, and that not doing so would signify the negative.
Goddammit.
...
She stayed downstairs waiting around, perchance he would come through. And he did. Except she did not invite him to stay, because he appeared as though he was going up. And he did. Since he did, she did. But she head he had come back down. So once again. Damn.
...
She escorted him back...then she realized she would escort him all the way downstairs which she does. The conversation then went very well. They talked about Prom before which he offered his arm, which she took. Grandiloquent gesture that threw her off. Apparently, she came near to his height, so she knew she had to throw out the possibility of wearing heels. Then, the dancing. She talked of how they would rock the floor. He said they'd be hot. Great, then they came to a stop right behind a couple. Awkward. Let's move on over there, she suggested. They spoke some more, but she might have sent him off too soon. She didn't wish to keep him when he didn't want to. But she also did not know him well enough to figure him out. So she'll just be making assumptions.
...
The extra effort for "socializing" was kept. She waits down there, plays ping pong, and finds him going to eat. She lets him go after she greets him...by yelling.
She waits around downstairs for a while, and he does not come back, yet she still remains...
She sits with a friend. Waits. Then sits and watches the card game. Waits. He comes in. But they do not talk for he appeared to be going upstairs with others, so she didn't call him out to ask him to join. Since he was gone, what was the point to stay, so she left. Everyone did.
She learned afterward that he had come back down and inquired about the card game. She did not want to jump to conclusions...but she really liked him. She hoped he would like her.
...
After taking pictures, everyone decided to procrastinate.
She played fooseball downstairs with friends. They were so caught up in the excitement, she did not notice his presence. Even after her friends greeted him, she was startled.
It did not help the fact that he was gorgeous.
They played together then, but she remained subdued, for she could not compete with such noise. But it was enjoyable anyway. She only hoped he would...
She does have her doubts about him as well. Does she want him to be experienced? Does she want him to have messed around with others? Does she want something more?
...
She had just asked him out that week. She prepares herself to tell him to have a nice weekend, since she will be gone, except it came out all wrong.
What came out was something like, "Ah, you'll miss me this weekend."
To which he replied, "Oh well."
She felt like an idiot.
...
Out of my comfort, I step towards you
If only you would receive me.
I feel that I fail whatever I do
Because I'm afraid I don't have you.
...
"When we talked monday, when his class was canceled, I could not help but notice that he hadn't shaved. He's taller than I thought. He as bright eyes and a great smile..."
...
The world was wasted in one night when she let him...
Every warmth was taken away, when she left him
She felt lost in every possible way, when she caressed him
But in her heart she knew, nothing would ever be the same.
The death brought an end... for the dead.
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