i just realized... it's almost a year

and i wonder where all that time went.
and know you'd be disappointed that i haven't moved on.

but right now...
i still can't believe it's almost a year
since your death.
because every time i think
and have you in it...
you were just alive... and just now died.

it's so unreal...
the mind can get so unreal

and i can't decide if that's beautiful
or horrific

the hypocrite speaks

i wonder why men choose to begrudge women so much - is it comedic for them to say such things as though it hurts no one? and the women who simply laugh along just to find approval in the company of men. i think once again the feminine rise has fallen on the wayside.

i feel sometimes that nothing has changed. there is no more equality than 60 years ago. no more equality, but in actuality - laws have changed, rules have changed.

but the issue i find is that people have grown too content with how things are when the change could be taken further.

no wonder even women don't want to be women. this complacency, this stuck atmosphere - no wonder we seek the company and power of men and insult even our own kind - when really, the only growth all gender has had is sexually. no wonder slut and cunt is thrown about. women have forgotten about the one collective - females - and since then, we have ceased to grow.

not saying women aren't free. they do, with the right choices throughout life, have every opportunity to reach freedom as any man.

but throughout that woman's life - she will have faced those crude looks, vulgar remarks, multiple more tests and hardships because she is attractive to the straight male in power.

even when it comes among friends - the woman will see her male friend as a friend, equal in that respect - a companionship - but he will view her as a female, a friend, but with the possibility of something more - and when that's rejected, he moves on, loses respect, or still covets.

i shouldn't be so sad over all this. truth.

my mother calls me a quitter
at first my heart heats with everything to say
but my mouth remains shut

and then i listen
her morals, the way she was raised
sticking to things to the end
no matter how much you hate it
no matter how much your heart cries
no matter how much you want to die
you stick to it til the end
whether you die in the process
or the end is death
there lies her stoicism
everything that is good
and right
and respectable
in what she thinks
everyone's eyes.

i say
fuck that

i don't think i've ever learned
because i've never broached it with anyone

but i'm tired, otherwise.
i wish i could experience love
even to lose it.
than to realize love after it's gone
and never really having it in possession
...
it was buried with his body

it's an image, i could never take out of my mind
his face was all wrong
his hands crossed over his chest.
him so still
i wish i were next to him

i thought it so wrong

it is so wrong to see something like that

if i can help it.
i would never go to a ceremony of death

im tired of being this kid
with a facade of an adult
a disguise of self confidence
when really
peel the first layer
and one will see the rotten corpse of a child
and the stink that was contained
will hit all at once in that sight

i can only grow when i have the courage
to let someone see that me

the courage that i show i have in boundless
the courage that i really don't have for myself

id rather die for someone
than die watching your face become repulsed
by who i am

i have come to realize...
i hate being from the midwest.
well
i am still in the midwest, but i will be known as
being from the midwest.

i was told by an indian from new jersey
i sound like i'm from indiana

it must be my drawl
and i'm an asian
an asian with a drawl

westerniz-asian

new guitar

still needs a name

life is so unreal that
it scares me when someone else confronts me
i disappear within myself
i laugh as they cry
because i can't accept it

i'm so lost in a daydream
i wonder if i have to wake up
in order to break the string of events that are occurring around me
seemingly out of my control

but i feel safe,
in my daydream
happy even
as others around me show me their pain
their hurt
their suffering

and i wonder why they don't see what i see
death is close by
so why do you wish to take so much control
let go
let go of me
let go of me