memories

these should be private, unopened, forgotten
held down, trapped, never shared...
because they're inconsequential

but there's an interested party
and for only that reason,
is it on a public interface as such;
and even so, possibly no one could read it...

.........

first impressions at the academy?

really, in all truth, i was so absorbed in myself, to say the easiest way, to be bothered with first impressions - maybe it came easier, the fact, because five people i knew of or knew about or fairly knew personally came along with me

even so - there should exist first impressions - shouldn't there?

shouldn't there - even when i was thinking here's my escape - and it wasn't so
shouldn't there - even when that escape was to another cell - and it wasn't so
shouldn't there - even when i isolated more than the voted hermit - and it wasn't... so... much

i felt downhill, since the academy, but maybe downhill was way before then... maybe downhill was at my birth.

maybe downhill is all life is... until the uphill - but so few may ever get there...
...steepest hill yet...

(i should've written this out first - but now i haven't it's all 'blah-sey' since i'm still a little buzzed...)

i'd rather talk about the moment "write" about the moment that is... than any past... i only write about the past when i'm sadly drunk - or sad when i'm drunk...

fin digress

maybe it's because i don't believe in first impressions...
maybe it's because i ignored most people's existence in that place
maybe it's because i didn't want to get invested in that place anymore than i was...

first impressions don't exist with me...

all i knew... were events that occurred... people who happened to catch my attention beyond their intrusion- most intruded.... others ...
so few of 'others' i intruded... and was glad to... and was rather well received...
but that intrusion came too late... oh fucking well.

there are no first impressions really... i think it truly comes when one is alone entering a place...entering also, in a certain way that they can allow first impressions, neither completely diving in nor ignoring as i did.

impression? he impressed me.
from afar.
and i only started looking,
as a joke, as a prom date.
and only he, i knew could be it...
i made sure he had no attachments, not any hint with anyone
because i don't like drama
in real life
and there we were.... and there we went. and there we had... and ceased.

academy?

i try to not... think about it ever happening.

i'm still recovering.

if anything - the only impressions...

were of people coupling up and off so fast and so long and such and such -
i tried my best not to do that - because i saw it as easily done...
if you went it coupled already - you were desired, but off the chart - unavailable.
if you were available... then you were went for...

sorry... i have nothing but hatred... for that place..
this is me on the fly,
trying to talk about it.
but there's nothing good from that place. nothing.

i met the good things before or after the place...
the one good thing i met... he's dead.

so fuck that place. fuck that place and die.

fuck the academy. it doesn't exist for me. it's best for me to imagine it now, as non existent