No. 3

we met for the fourth time after a period of break
i was surprised he agreed to see me
after how i felt i treated him the last time

he still thinks the same about me
which warms my heart because
he either still sees the good in me that never changed
or still wants me, and that never changed

....

today was too much for my delicate nerves
they're delicate, once you get past the fifty feet high brick wall
after you scale it
you'll see tears all too easy
but sometimes, i bring the wall down myself

....

mother,
quit blaming yourself
let others breathe for themselves
you are not the savior of your family
you're not even the savior of yourself

there is no savior

we're all going to die one day

oh, and by the way
happy 25th anniversary

labor

shoveling 5 inches of snow off 25(?) feet long driveway: 30 min
enjoying a cigarette laying down in 5 inches of snow in the backyard,
watching the stars dance before my eyes,
waiting for my heartbeat to go down: priceless

manual labor is a soul purifier

and there she goes;
life, as beautiful as she should be...
never to be seen again.

....

i cried my brown colored eyes out
for no clear reason
in a crowded restaurant
that showed no heart

...

i'm enjoying seagrams and coke
and whenever i do, i only think of one person
i hope you're laying comfortably
in your grave

becoming

my different obsessions with alcohol
were like the men i've had
were parallel to my growing sexuality
were representative of my sexual becoming

my first sip of alcohol
i'm sure it was mixed
with coke
in the safety of my older cousin
she got me into a bar, and
i was only sixteen.
that was my first experience.
this thirty year old man kissed me on the cheek
he didn't believe
i hadn't kissed a boy by then.

i experienced losing my virginity sober
it was void of passion
filled with too much speculation
created by calculation
cold prod
gloved hands
stiff sanitation sheet against my back
legs spread
as he plunges in.
too sober, with too much mix.
but i remember kissing him in the morning
as i walked out the door, smiling
with a hopeful heart
there was blood on those sheets.

we're alone, but we're together

no one really wants to show her weaknesses
but sometimes, it's all one wants to do
in the vanity that someone will kneel down too
and light a cigarette
the last one

just

for

you

i attempt to find life in all the wrong places,
but i prefer to find life where it is hardest to find.
at 3AM at the gas station,
buy a pack of cigarettes and leave.
at 4AM
online,
no one wants to chat, they're nodding off.
i didn't really want to either,
but somehow it makes me feel good in that odd sort of way;
to know that someone else is awake.
somehow...

the in between

phone conversation.
dial tone. and then it's ringing.
right when you think there will be no answer,
you hear your own voice say,
"hello?"
you pause, as though you did not remember calling yourself.
again, over the line,
"hello?"
"oh, hi."
"hey, what's up?"
"i was just calling to ask... where are you?"
"in between."
"...in between what?"
"yes, in between."
"no, in between what?"
"not what. just in between."
"but in between what and what?"
"listen to me. don't go outside tomorrow."
dial tone.