they say i seem to be going uphill
but they don't want to know
this is the steepest hill yet

.show me.

"we're wasting time
let's fall in love
live intensely
reach our limit
fall dramatically
it'll end soon
so let's get lost in each other
and cry about it one day, alone
when memory is evidence of experience
and dreams are evidence
of never becoming," so she proclaims to life.

When you need some body the most is when you find yourself the most alone.

But then I am a bit of crazy

public intox

"And you thought i was just some other girl, and you had no idea what you were in for."

......

I like to wrestle all my men... I can't say exactly why.

I'm not practical by any means. I could drive him crazy...to prevent myself from going crazy.

I could easily take on this psychotic character - because at this stage in life - why the fuck not? It's like being a snake - discarding one skin for the other - just for the hell of it.

.....

I'm waiting for him to push me away. If he takes too long to do it... I will.

.....

It's a pistol shot in the distance, and it misses me every time.

....

What's the use of talking with unlike minds?

Deliberate practice

The start of a new era//Let's stop talking.

That boy is an mini-Eddie.

....

Each man you come across is just that.

Mini versions of the man you really want.

But you still fuck him.

Because you can always fuck the pain away.

You're still too much in your mind.

And you can't escape without aid

But then you settle with one of those mini versions and hate every moment.

Every moment burns away at your core, and you become a mini version of yourself

You feel yourself boiling as you sit and watch him with hatred.

He turns to you. You look away.

He never sees it coming.

The gun pointed at his head.

Because you fuck with the same passion.

The initial one.

To fuck the pain away.

hidden consequence

you're my daughter

If you murder, I love you
If you fail, I love you
If you never compare, I love you
Just know, you're my hidden consequence

I didn't know love and shame went hand in hand

re:

she sits there, unlike everyone

she is, unlike everyone

she watches them as she is, unlike everyone

nowhere anywhere is what she would call somewhere she belongs

she doesn't

.......

it's been a week. 

the blood.

where is the blood?

what's so great about it that we do it?

what do we really want to achieve?

........

it's a mixture of everything.

xiii

there's something cursed about this month 

job 3

there's something cursed

about me

........

no matter who is there to support you, you're alone when the time comes.

at the pivotal, climactic moment, everyone falls away and there is only you to rely on

only your strength, your courage

grow some, or get some

balls

.embrace.

"hold me."

he does so, noticing the pained look in her eyes, he asks no questions, but complies.

he gently places her head on his shoulder, her forehead is wet with cold sweat

he feels her clenched. 

he wants to say relax, but he thinks it.

he wants to say everything is okay, but he wills it.

he wants to say, i love you... and silence ensues.

he did not know the next morning she would be gone.

....

(a naturally happy disposition x a period of trial) / complete lack of support from loved ones = indulgence in all that is pleasurable NOW

thank you. math-genius not responsible.