cunt

Will

2011-11-04T01:53:00.004-05:00

if i ever become a vegetable (or handicapped - neck down) - here it is stated - please euthanize. Thank you.

in the event of my death, please cremate and ash my ashes driving cross country towards the setting sun.

Sincerely
cunt,
lisa jihyun kwon

Ha Ha Ha

2011-10-11T02:24:00.003-05:00

I should feel more "blessed" than I should
because of how excellent I do in school.

and then I realize how I'm only doing this for my parents, still.
and fuck that shit. i'll get A's for days
and then middle fingers, tower high, if the world is still alive,
and i'll be struttin' out half superman
and half dip hip and stride

bitch.

HERRO

life DOES NOT EQUAL school

in fact

LIFE is so FAR from SCHOOL

it's almost comedic

how school is made so significant

in its (non)respect ---

and then again, there lies the tragedy...

-------

past - nov. 4. 2011

wow, i don't recall ever... writing this post... but it does sound like me

"please lord, don't let me be misunderstood"

2011-07-31T02:12:00.002-05:00

(true stories)

Most people don't know the episodes of insanity I have experienced and how I cope w them as a drinker though I cry alcoholism, I am not one- I drink responsibly now for the past two years, but in all honesty I have never quite been a drinker--- I'd rather stay focused than drink...--another topic

...

I have seen my mother try to kill herself with a brown extension cord. Oddly reminds me of what I should have done while she was pushing me out of her womb.

I have seen myself want freedom yet my mother go insane my father do nothing but hold my mother back and my sister curse me in front of them and they not reprimand her for using such language as punishable before

I know what is left

I eat a plateful of shit everyday

And I refuse to eat anymore, not even a whiff
So if I hurt others in this time it's bc you have given me shit, big, pungent rotten back loaded explosive shit

Excuse me for hurling it straight back

2011-06-02T00:36:00.001-05:00

life is too short to be anything
but a joke

is it?

2011-05-30T07:13:00.001-05:00

has it been? will it be?
will we see it when it comes,
whatever it may be?

jungle boogie

2011-04-21T03:58:00.002-05:00

in your jungle basement,
two bartenders mixing the better potion...

Two snakes wrapped up like Caduceus.
You slither your coarse against my smooth,
in this jungle room.
Leopard spots,
elephant tusks,
zebra paintings;
delight in the shag-feel,
coated ground.

I know you watch me,
want me. The prowler
with a growl.

My eyes closed,
taking each second
as its own before it dies
like fallen domino.
I already see the last one
hanging off the precipice,
before it's there.
Sometimes, a hand will wait
below to catch it,
but that domino will never know,
until she lets go.

2011-03-24T03:47:00.002-05:00

Kienholz installation “The Illegal Operation”, 1962

He regarded his viewers
by their garbage.
He fabricated material life
holding up a mirror to still eyes
in denial at the horror of truth
captured
like a living photograph.

Burlap sack punched raw
laying like a burnt slab of molding meat
hoisted atop a shopping cart
that’s missing its cage.
Its wheels overused,
no longer able to move.
One can smell the rust and taste it
as though a child were in the seat
looped wires cradling
as it sucks on the handle
where mama’s hand had been.

Burlap sack sweat-stained
vomiting out its torn orifice,
split like cruel lips
of a motorcyclist
with a mouthful of cement.
Purging what poison that let grow
within, pulsating
now dead, half covered in a pail;

a forgotten guilty conscious,
a redemption for shame,
existing only in
mother’s waking nightmares,
her cold perspiration against
the cool moon's stare; a reminder
of the surgical bright light
that casted a pallid yellow glow
on seemingly sickly skin.

Collecting together, many years
later, little knotted plastic black bags
holding the little bones of the
little ones, discarded
in the wasteland.

2-line poetry

2011-01-25T15:23:00.002-06:00

(basis: little to no abstractions)

i am but a simple mechanism taken advantage of
invented by a dead corpse with a name

........

smoke-laced conversations under fading bulbs
whiskied souls floating down the river Lethe

.......

broken fragments of a wine glass glittering under wide eyes
a pair of cocks, beak to beak, vying for the cry to the rising sun

......

shit grins from within a toilet
chagrin to desire to dig it back up

.......

hair that stands on end and pricks when the skin crawls
under coverlets that should protect the mind's wit

dreamers

2010-12-17T15:45:00.002-06:00

i sometimes see him, in my mind, clearer than other times i imagine him. on these clearer pictures, i see a great man. he is on a journey. a journey he wishes to accomplish alone. he feels a great desire for independence, freedom and the complete fulfillment of self. but at certain moments - certain, rare moments when he is completely alone - he doubts himself, and then still other moments...i know he imagines someone like me. and this is the clearest of moments - me knowing exactly who he is without ever meeting him while imagining him, and he, in the same respect imagining me - knowing i'm imagining him. and although we've never met, we've never shared a real moment, when we do meet, we'll know...something.

we're not exactly waiting for each other. we each have our own lives to live. we each give into idle pleasures now and again. we find fulfillment in not only what we do, but what we're capable of. the only thing that keeps us awake at night, and have us dreaming in the day is the fact that we're just a daydream, imagination, invention; a comfort away from reality. we don't even exist.

2010-11-20T01:43:00.003-06:00

survival is thinking:
"i don't belong here"
and then wading around;

no matter who you bump into,
share that cold air between you

bump together for some warmth

then get on that separate lifesaver

you're from somewhere else

somewhere greater
somewhere less

doesn't fucking matter

"I want you, But I don't need you" - Amanda Palmer

2010-11-03T02:55:00.000-05:00

I like you, and I'd like you to like me to like you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to like you
Because if you didn't like me, I would still like you, you see
la lala... la lala...

I lick you, and I'd like you to like me to lick you
But I don't need you, don't need you to like me to lick you
If your pleasure turned into pain, I would still lick for my personal gain
la lala... la lala...

I fuck you, and I'd like you to like me to fuck you
But I don't fucking need you, don't need you to need me to fuck you
If you need me to need you to fuck, that fucks everything up
la lala... la lala...

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to need you

That's just me, so take me or leave me
But please don't need me, don't need me to need you to need me
Because we're here a minute, the next we're dead
So love me or leave me but try not to need me
Enough said.

I want you, but I don't need you...

I love you, and I love how you love how I love you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to love you
If your love changed into hate, would my love had been a mistake?
I don't know. I don't know.

So I'm gunna leave you, I'd like you to leave me to leave you
But love, believe me; it isn't because I don't need you
(You know I don't need you)
All I wanted was to be wanted
But you're drowning me deep in your need to be needed
la lala... la lala

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to lead you

That's just me, so take me or leave me
But please don't need me, don't need me to need you to need me
Because we're here a minute, the next we're dead
So love me or leave me but try not to need me
Enough said.

I want you, but I don't need you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UYEZnhnVCg

untitled song

2010-11-02T03:08:00.001-05:00

if you'll take me
as worthless as i am
an abused girl,
used and broken down
if you'll take me,
i'll take you too
i'll take you as you are-
i'll take your heart

2010-10-23T08:03:00.002-05:00

i wish we had cuddled tonight
like we both* wanted to
you knew you'd be safe with me
like i knew with you
but still we both were aware of an unspoken danger-
but still, we were willing to confront it in the idlest of ways
because we were young
but together and apart we matured
we welcome danger as a test-
but more so now;
to prove what we do-
we do by choice
so maybe
by choice
we chose...safety
understandable.
we'll both be cold tonight.

re-acquainting myself with myself

2010-10-13T02:06:00.003-05:00

i once knew a girl who i had been
a girl i loved and lost
a girl who became a woman
because she was aware of her sexuality
and she could have the best of men
and she had them
she had them heighten her awareness
heighten her dream
heighten her passion

i once knew a girl who i had been
a girl i loved and killed
a girl who could be kind and gentle
loud and fierce
angry and intimidating
but for the right purpose
that of freedom
and never ending justice

i once knew a girl who i had been
a girl i loved and forgot
a girl who left an impression on all who had met her
she admired intimacy
aspired to obtain it with others
respectfully
sexually
and friendly

i once knew a girl who i had been
a girl i loved
who would tackle each day with true pride
had so much to offer and offered generously
had not so much as a hint of a smile to hide
and lived wondrously

i once inked a pond and wrote:

2010-09-27T21:29:00.002-05:00

the pond ripples
with the desire to
run into the sea
tired of a stagnant movement
wind only hitting it
against the reeds
still
waiting
to rise up to the sky
even just
to fall again;
the only excitement in its existence

"real life is a dying art" - lynde

2010-09-17T04:31:00.002-05:00

real life is wanting the man you'll never have
real life is dreaming without it ever coming true
real life is dying, seeing the ass douche of your generation obtaining riches
real life is dying alone
real life is good people hurting, bad people succeeding
real life is paid/bribed justice
real life is blood spilled by those who give the most
real life is good people, dead, young
real life is no justice in this unjustifiable world
real life is douches:happy
real life is good people sad
real life sucks...
real life has no escape, but the only final exit sign
real life is a good person tries to live
real life is bad people happy and content
"real life is givers losing
real life is takers gaining
but real happiness has nothing to do with how much one has,
a fulfilled life can only be measured by how much love
you have at the end"- casey

2010-08-04T02:00:00.004-05:00

don't ask me for anything
and you might just get it
ask me for things
and i'll feel every pressure
like a gunpoint to my brain
the sweat down to my toes
athlete's foot- you'd think it'd be for athletes

i'll want so much to make you happy
because i know exactly how that feels
to want something from someone
and they promise it
and deliverance
never comes

i don't want to do that to anybody
because i know how
broken

broken promises feel

__________

just realized

i'm the one everyone looks at
and then feels better about themselves.

awesome

2010-07-18T05:53:00.001-05:00

if only my vagina
were as scarred as my heart
and my heart
as unused
as unabused
as undiscarded
as my vagina

then maybe
i'd feel worthy

2010-06-23T05:18:00.002-05:00

i've given every fucking inch of me
to my parents all this time

it's all i know how to do-
give every inch of me

they've fucked me up

i realize at one point,
they take and take and take
the essence of my being
teaching nothing but bullshit
i feel justified in my hate
i feel justified in my freedom
a complete freedom
even death
so defined
as freedom.

and then my growth from there;
i gave and gave and gave
to friends
who i thought were great friends
but weren't
they only took and took and took
and gave even less in return
as my parents
bullshit
i felt justified in my hate
now i feel nothing for them
i don't have one inch of care for them
but i can pretend
to care
but i can't help but think my mother
being right about what she said about
friends vs. family
but i'm still out to prove
it's not always the case

because it can't
always
be the case
not
always.

then i went through a period of isolation
i lived alone
i had to for my own experiment
for my own piece of mind
no matter how crazy i went
no matter what drove me there
no matter what demons i found
in my reflection

after which
i came to realize
the truth

no matter how much family may love you
til death
nothing can compare to the seeming love
that "strangers"
friends who aren't family
people you just happen to meet
the people who've experienced the most trying times w. you
the people who were there for you when you cried like a babe
the people who supported you when family abandoned

this is what i've experienced

mother

is it wrong that i wish for death?

death to someone...
i may think death for others

but i'll save that one wish for me.

i may hate things about life.
but it can't be a person's fault...

especially when i've stopped talking to you.
you could not have known.

that i wished for death

2010-06-17T14:27:00.001-05:00

it's odd how happy i feel
when i imagine myself dead

memories

2010-05-29T05:23:00.002-05:00

these should be private, unopened, forgotten
held down, trapped, never shared...
because they're inconsequential

but there's an interested party
and for only that reason,
is it on a public interface as such;
and even so, possibly no one could read it...

.........

first impressions at the academy?

really, in all truth, i was so absorbed in myself, to say the easiest way, to be bothered with first impressions - maybe it came easier, the fact, because five people i knew of or knew about or fairly knew personally came along with me

even so - there should exist first impressions - shouldn't there?

shouldn't there - even when i was thinking here's my escape - and it wasn't so
shouldn't there - even when that escape was to another cell - and it wasn't so
shouldn't there - even when i isolated more than the voted hermit - and it wasn't... so... much

i felt downhill, since the academy, but maybe downhill was way before then... maybe downhill was at my birth.

maybe downhill is all life is... until the uphill - but so few may ever get there...
...steepest hill yet...

(i should've written this out first - but now i haven't it's all 'blah-sey' since i'm still a little buzzed...)

i'd rather talk about the moment "write" about the moment that is... than any past... i only write about the past when i'm sadly drunk - or sad when i'm drunk...

fin digress

maybe it's because i don't believe in first impressions...
maybe it's because i ignored most people's existence in that place
maybe it's because i didn't want to get invested in that place anymore than i was...

first impressions don't exist with me...

all i knew... were events that occurred... people who happened to catch my attention beyond their intrusion- most intruded.... others ...
so few of 'others' i intruded... and was glad to... and was rather well received...
but that intrusion came too late... oh fucking well.

there are no first impressions really... i think it truly comes when one is alone entering a place...entering also, in a certain way that they can allow first impressions, neither completely diving in nor ignoring as i did.

impression? he impressed me.
from afar.
and i only started looking,
as a joke, as a prom date.
and only he, i knew could be it...
i made sure he had no attachments, not any hint with anyone
because i don't like drama
in real life
and there we were.... and there we went. and there we had... and ceased.

academy?

i try to not... think about it ever happening.

i'm still recovering.

if anything - the only impressions...

were of people coupling up and off so fast and so long and such and such -
i tried my best not to do that - because i saw it as easily done...
if you went it coupled already - you were desired, but off the chart - unavailable.
if you were available... then you were went for...

sorry... i have nothing but hatred... for that place..
this is me on the fly,
trying to talk about it.
but there's nothing good from that place. nothing.

i met the good things before or after the place...
the one good thing i met... he's dead.

so fuck that place. fuck that place and die.

fuck the academy. it doesn't exist for me. it's best for me to imagine it now, as non existent

2010-05-01T03:12:00.001-05:00

change is within
never without

2010-04-13T00:04:00.002-05:00

"why did you fuck me over?"

he sits silent.

"you never cared did you? at least i pretended to care less, but cared a whole hell of a lot more than you did."

"you can't say i didn't care-"

"yes i can. you claim you cared, but all you cared with was with your dick. i've never let any guy fuck me over until after...you know what's funny? i had a nightmare with you in it... and i hate when nightmares come true."

"maybe you shouldn't have pretended to not care."

"maybe you should have been honest from the start."

"i said what i felt at the moment."

"never believe what you feel at the moment for someone you fuck. time tells with that shit. i don't even want to see your fucking face anymore."

"it doesn't have to be like this-"

"but it is."

"i think you have to be mature."

"i think you have to be feeling what i'm feeling, oh wait, you did this to me. fuck off and die."

she gets up and walks away.

regrets

2010-04-07T00:36:00.005-05:00

i was talking with a. and k. today
we came upon regrets
and i was surprised that
after a moment went by
so many came to mind:

i regret that-

-i didn't run away
-i didn't shoot myself with that loaded canon
-i didn't cut deep enough
-i didn't run away
-i went to the academy
-i bullshitted my parents (esp. mother) for so long
-i ended it with him
-i didn't say "i love you"
-i didn't run away
-i started drinking
-i didn't run away
-it was you instead of me
-i became an alcoholic
-i didn't end it
-i'm still here
-i am not running away
-i am an alcoholic
-i'm still alive

and without the first two regrets...
i wouldn't still be here
wondering

it seems my purpose of living is to make regrets

alcoholic

2010-04-02T17:27:00.004-05:00

idleness to an alcoholic
is like walking the plank
over a tank of alligators
with human blood on their teeth

an alcoholic prefers company
chatter, clatter...sex

an alcoholic prefers
like a customer to a whore
to pay for company
any company

more than talking
more than listening
that body present
doing likewise
thinking likewise

paying for sympathy

an alcoholic is better off
driven off the road
six feet of dirt as a blanket
a tombstone for a pillow
----

when i'm even half alive
and i feel nothing

i will not be inconvenienced.

when i'm even half alive
and i feel something

i would give the rest of my life
to it
because it will be the most i've ever felt
in so long

2010-03-28T02:37:00.003-05:00

i just realized... it's almost a year

and i wonder where all that time went.
and know you'd be disappointed that i haven't moved on.

but right now...
i still can't believe it's almost a year
since your death.
because every time i think
and have you in it...
you were just alive... and just now died.

it's so unreal...
the mind can get so unreal

and i can't decide if that's beautiful
or horrific

the hypocrite speaks

2010-03-23T21:24:00.002-05:00

i wonder why men choose to begrudge women so much - is it comedic for them to say such things as though it hurts no one? and the women who simply laugh along just to find approval in the company of men. i think once again the feminine rise has fallen on the wayside.

i feel sometimes that nothing has changed. there is no more equality than 60 years ago. no more equality, but in actuality - laws have changed, rules have changed.

but the issue i find is that people have grown too content with how things are when the change could be taken further.

no wonder even women don't want to be women. this complacency, this stuck atmosphere - no wonder we seek the company and power of men and insult even our own kind - when really, the only growth all gender has had is sexually. no wonder slut and cunt is thrown about. women have forgotten about the one collective - females - and since then, we have ceased to grow.

not saying women aren't free. they do, with the right choices throughout life, have every opportunity to reach freedom as any man.

but throughout that woman's life - she will have faced those crude looks, vulgar remarks, multiple more tests and hardships because she is attractive to the straight male in power.

even when it comes among friends - the woman will see her male friend as a friend, equal in that respect - a companionship - but he will view her as a female, a friend, but with the possibility of something more - and when that's rejected, he moves on, loses respect, or still covets.

i shouldn't be so sad over all this. truth.

2010-03-16T01:17:00.001-05:00

my mother calls me a quitter
at first my heart heats with everything to say
but my mouth remains shut

and then i listen
her morals, the way she was raised
sticking to things to the end
no matter how much you hate it
no matter how much your heart cries
no matter how much you want to die
you stick to it til the end
whether you die in the process
or the end is death
there lies her stoicism
everything that is good
and right
and respectable
in what she thinks
everyone's eyes.

i say
fuck that

2010-03-13T00:30:00.003-06:00

i don't think i've ever learned
because i've never broached it with anyone

but i'm tired, otherwise.
i wish i could experience love
even to lose it.
than to realize love after it's gone
and never really having it in possession
...
it was buried with his body

it's an image, i could never take out of my mind
his face was all wrong
his hands crossed over his chest.
him so still
i wish i were next to him

i thought it so wrong

it is so wrong to see something like that

if i can help it.
i would never go to a ceremony of death

2010-03-11T01:24:00.002-06:00

im tired of being this kid
with a facade of an adult
a disguise of self confidence
when really
peel the first layer
and one will see the rotten corpse of a child
and the stink that was contained
will hit all at once in that sight

i can only grow when i have the courage
to let someone see that me

the courage that i show i have in boundless
the courage that i really don't have for myself

id rather die for someone
than die watching your face become repulsed
by who i am

2010-03-09T01:04:00.000-06:00

i have come to realize...
i hate being from the midwest.
well
i am still in the midwest, but i will be known as
being from the midwest.

i was told by an indian from new jersey
i sound like i'm from indiana

it must be my drawl
and i'm an asian
an asian with a drawl

westerniz-asian

new guitar

2010-03-08T09:20:00.002-06:00

still needs a name

2010-03-03T21:58:00.002-06:00

life is so unreal that
it scares me when someone else confronts me
i disappear within myself
i laugh as they cry
because i can't accept it

i'm so lost in a daydream
i wonder if i have to wake up
in order to break the string of events that are occurring around me
seemingly out of my control

but i feel safe,
in my daydream
happy even
as others around me show me their pain
their hurt
their suffering

and i wonder why they don't see what i see
death is close by
so why do you wish to take so much control
let go
let go of me
let go of me

the touch i've been looking for

2010-02-21T01:13:00.006-06:00

he strokes my body
but it dies-
(typo: does)
not reach my dead heart

you're soft, he says
i smile, letting him pet
the lion that waits to devour
waits
to devour...
to savor it when it's obtained
(if it is ever)

he does not know
how harrrrrrrd
i can get

uh...?

2010-02-09T22:54:00.004-06:00

"...my day off...tired as shit, but then i did oversleep. didn't feel like getting out of bed so i slept summore. mostly because the dream was more enticing than real life. i had nothing planned that day. i woke up later, got up and ate some food. then went to bed again and drifted off. then i woke, still nothing to do. so i eat. it got late, and nothing pulled at me at all. by then my back was sore for being on it for so long. i jerk off. check the time. then jerk off summore. then i start drinking. then i jerk off summore. now, i don't know if i want another drink since the head ache's gone..."

fcuk life

2010-02-05T23:32:00.003-06:00

i think (and tell everyone else)
it'll get better
but it hasn't for me.

i think (but no one else does it)
turn into this tree...
but i drive on to my destination;
a cage.

and then i see,
my mother happy
and i wonder
"is that all it takes?"

and then i cry,
always when driving
alone
in the worst weather

what the hell am i (?)
supposed to do now

i call certain people
but no one answers
there was only one who would always answer
and now is gone

so what
the hell
am i

2010-01-26T04:02:00.003-06:00

if i used to be someone i never really were
and was becoming someone i already am
then what the fuck's the point?

...

i think it's worse because it's nearing your birthday.
february 2nd.
if it's my day off,
i'm visiting your grave

the war with self

2010-01-24T21:51:00.004-06:00

i love you, self
in your most downer moments
in your most depressive thoughts
in your complete isolation of mind
(as people pass you by, even touching you)

i love you
we are still alive
maybe alone
maybe
alone

but you're dying with me
and know that i love you
in your most downer moments
in your most depressive thoughts
in your complete isolation of mind
as people pass you by

as long as we're both still breathing
let's have that drink
that we deserve

.....

am i the only one
who ponders
"where do the suicides go?"

like the movie
what dreams may come
maybe

i will never believe some suicides
deserve hell

an ongoing list, updated every so often... that i might find...

sylvia plath
david foster wallace

(among the first that come to mind, besides the fictional characters:
anna karenina
madame bovary
*kate chopin's character in "the awakening")

2010-01-15T01:30:00.008-06:00

"i have my own recipe of bullshit, and i won't digest any other bullshit"

...

there's something different about the young and the old
the young laugh when the old walk away
but the old walk away knowing something

...

"looks like things have changed."
"how's that?"
"now you're chasing me."
"it means i'm not dead...yet."
"what?"
"it means i'm not dead yet."

...

looking around the near empty bar
drinking to intoxication,
to the beyond
(wherever that is
never went there sober, so wouldn't know)

couldn't help but pause and think
the weight of things that would never let me
just fly away
(but it could've just been the beer sitting
in my belly)

then i think
maybe i'm next
and with a smile
i chug the last half

because while it's half empty
why the hell not?

No. 3

2010-01-13T23:25:00.005-06:00

we met for the fourth time after a period of break
i was surprised he agreed to see me
after how i felt i treated him the last time

he still thinks the same about me
which warms my heart because
he either still sees the good in me that never changed
or still wants me, and that never changed

....

today was too much for my delicate nerves
they're delicate, once you get past the fifty feet high brick wall
after you scale it
you'll see tears all too easy
but sometimes, i bring the wall down myself

....

mother,
quit blaming yourself
let others breathe for themselves
you are not the savior of your family
you're not even the savior of yourself

there is no savior

we're all going to die one day

oh, and by the way
happy 25th anniversary

labor

2010-01-07T13:19:00.002-06:00

shoveling 5 inches of snow off 25(?) feet long driveway: 30 min
enjoying a cigarette laying down in 5 inches of snow in the backyard,
watching the stars dance before my eyes,
waiting for my heartbeat to go down: priceless

manual labor is a soul purifier

2010-01-02T22:48:00.002-06:00

and there she goes;
life, as beautiful as she should be...
never to be seen again.

....

i cried my brown colored eyes out
for no clear reason
in a crowded restaurant
that showed no heart

...

i'm enjoying seagrams and coke
and whenever i do, i only think of one person
i hope you're laying comfortably
in your grave

becoming

2010-01-02T03:09:00.007-06:00

my different obsessions with alcohol
were like the men i've had
were parallel to my growing sexuality
were representative of my sexual becoming

my first sip of alcohol
i'm sure it was mixed
with coke
in the safety of my older cousin
she got me into a bar, and
i was only sixteen.
that was my first experience.
this thirty year old man kissed me on the cheek
he didn't believe
i hadn't kissed a boy by then.

i experienced losing my virginity sober
it was void of passion
filled with too much speculation
created by calculation
cold prod
gloved hands
stiff sanitation sheet against my back
legs spread
as he plunges in.
too sober, with too much mix.
but i remember kissing him in the morning
as i walked out the door, smiling
with a hopeful heart
there was blood on those sheets.

we're alone, but we're together

2009-12-27T22:26:00.002-06:00

no one really wants to show her weaknesses
but sometimes, it's all one wants to do
in the vanity that someone will kneel down too
and light a cigarette
the last one

just

for

you

2009-12-23T23:37:00.002-06:00

i attempt to find life in all the wrong places,
but i prefer to find life where it is hardest to find.
at 3AM at the gas station,
buy a pack of cigarettes and leave.
at 4AM
online,
no one wants to chat, they're nodding off.
i didn't really want to either,
but somehow it makes me feel good in that odd sort of way;
to know that someone else is awake.
somehow...

the in between

2009-12-20T00:19:00.003-06:00

phone conversation.
dial tone. and then it's ringing.
right when you think there will be no answer,
you hear your own voice say,
"hello?"
you pause, as though you did not remember calling yourself.
again, over the line,
"hello?"
"oh, hi."
"hey, what's up?"
"i was just calling to ask... where are you?"
"in between."
"...in between what?"
"yes, in between."
"no, in between what?"
"not what. just in between."
"but in between what and what?"
"listen to me. don't go outside tomorrow."
dial tone.

let it die

2009-12-14T22:14:00.002-06:00

my mother believes in suffering.
she's that religious.
time has ceased to advance since 1986
and she is the conservative of 1986

she believes others should suffer as she does
because she believes that suffering now
the prize will come later

as long and as much as she has suffered
she should have had three mansions by now

i know instead
her head has got the best of her
she'll suffer til the end.

mother, don't take everyone down with you
i wish someone had been there
when you were still young
still alive
still volatile.

i wish someone had told you to live your life
not to settle
i wish someone had shown you not to suffer
i wish someone had freed your spirit

you were so beautiful mother. so beautiful
and now look at you
i love what you could have been
and now you're preventing me from having it
let us all suffer together then
and die with hatred and anger and bitterness in our hearts

kiss it, bye bye

2009-12-13T21:44:00.003-06:00

i miss it.
the first sip sunk down the throat
the moment before inebriation
the smile that hits with satiation
feel it.
pulsating orgasm of intoxication.
i dream it.
light the cigarette
after the ice sits lonely in the glass
then to think of the man of the day
live a fantasy
then do nothing the next day
but sleep

on photography

2009-12-11T01:38:00.004-06:00

i don't quite understand the art of capture
i have to train my mind that each snap of the lens
wastes negative space or makes it worth while.

there are moments when i hesitate
when i look through the view finder too long
and if i still decide to push down
i feel that the initial sighting was lost

i look through pictures and pictures, pictures.
and the ones that strike me the most
i find are the ones that resemble my mood.
a sort of isolation. loneliness. empty...,
and yet there's a play of light, a glint off of one object
or it's a plain picture, seemingly, clean, crisp
or maybe it's extremely blurred, or foggy or faded
why is this...()?

when the film is scanned in
i am surprised by what i took.
because the timid, amateur that i was
who snapped the picture
could not have captured this mood
but somehow...

i have yet to capture a stranger
maybe we'll connect
maybe we won't.

thrill

2009-12-08T22:48:00.003-06:00

i need a new , exciting

o b s e s s i o n .

i need the shrill thrill of ~~being alive~~ youth.

not just a past time
not just a hobby
not just a(n) occupation

i need intensity

e x t r e m i t y

the boundless
danger

search on.

writing, drinking, smoking

2009-12-07T16:25:00.003-06:00

i miss writing while smoking, and sipping on one of any alcoholic beverages i had periodically grown an obsession to:

white russian
whiskey on ice
whiskey and coke
cranberry vodka
brass monkey
zwack on ice
beer

first-most a writer
second-most a dreamer
last-most an actor (in all its meaning)

my life seems drawn to second-most now

은행 나무

2009-12-04T01:38:00.002-06:00

내가 내꺼 은행 나무 찾알거다.

2009-12-04T01:30:00.002-06:00

"who did this to you."
she cradles her legs and smiles.
"did your mommy do this?"
she nods her head.
"what happened?"
"mommy got angry with what i said and, and, and then she went somewhere... she came back with a metal thing, twisted it to make it...thicker and then wacked at my legs..."
"does she beat you ofte-?"
"and then she tried to strangle herself..."
silence.
"so i had to stay..."
"what? does she still beat you?"
"i love my mommy."
"does she beat you? does she keep you by force?"
"no."
she drops the baby voice and her face ages without time.
"i fucked up. i already killed them all... and killed myself. this right now... is the afterlife. and it's hell."

fairy tale without the tale

2009-11-28T15:14:00.002-06:00

a child remembered best as sweet, considerate, quick to help others. a leader in every social pack.
a child becomes an alcoholic. a liar. a smoker. an addict to vices.
a child remains a child.
placed directly under the parent's thumb. a child stills.
nothing remains but silenced will.
freedom is always delayed.

time becomes the closest friend.
the face of the clock most familiar.
the child puts her lips against his...

nightmares vanish as they become true
dreams overcome the daylight
a child can be a greedy, hungry whore for knowledge
when imprisoned

a child
stays
when the mother says stay

a child
obeys
when the mother says obey

a child dies
the mother dies

a child lives
the mother dies

a promise this time to be kept.

tracings

2009-11-20T07:19:00.001-06:00

she lightly closes one eye and looks through the other, tentatively tracing the outline of a door frame, finishing at the floor, then starting over again backwards. forwards, then backwards, faster and faster-

"what are you doing?"

she had thought he was asleep. she turns to him, his face turned to hers now, his eyes large despite his awakening.

"tracing."

"tracing what with what?"

she gives him a smile and brings her finger up between their faces. she watches his eyes cross, then uncross.

"your finger?"

she nods.

"what are you tracing with your finger?"

"turn your head."

he does so and closes his eyes.

she pulls her head back a little further and begins to trace his profile. she traces it slowly: the top of the hair line with the odd strands poking every which way, down to the flat forehead that rises higher than where the sunken eyes rest below the eyebrows. the nose, she remembers he thinks is too small and pointed, and she thinks is just right. she plays the trace against his lips, then down his stubbled chin, over the adam's apple - she could have traced further but his peaking right eye distracts her.

she meets his eye.

"are you done tracing?"

"no."

she throws off the blanket that is covering him mid-chest, then continues to trace. a relatively flat line until she meets the thigh from her perspective-

her hand must have been a little close as he immediately grasps her hand and his erection as his lips close around her smile...

2009-11-20T02:55:00.000-06:00

women are men's inspiration
a man's world is mine

2009-11-16T08:41:00.001-06:00

every beginning starts somewhere
and then it ends somewhere further along

wherever that may be

a few years before college
college
some months into college

devoured time
wasted time
time well spent

time dissipated into a memory
a dream

did it happen

?

pictures are too much a permanence of what is no longer
films can interpret something more meaningful that took place
but is no longer

brevity is wisdom
wisdom is knowing
learn to forget

2009-11-16T06:11:00.001-06:00

i can still smell you on my bed...

but i'm too lazy to wash my sheets.

thanksgiving will be a new smell

thanks for giving

jerk

my drunken heart

2009-11-15T06:51:00.000-06:00

when i'm drunk i'm fine
when i'm sober i think i've been wronged
when i'm drunk, i don't know how to stop drinking
when i'm sober, i can quit you

when i'm drunk, i can't write
when i'm sober, i can cry
when i'm drunk, i feel the hurt a lot less
when i'm sober, i feel like i can move on

when i'm drunk, i look skinnier
when i'm sober, i avoid a mirror
when i'm drunk, i have confidence
when i'm sober, i realize i need to get out of this town

when i'm drunk, i like you
when i'm sober, i hate you
when i'm drunk, i think of -----
when i'm sober, i think of ------

when i'm drunk, i'm loud
when i'm sober, i'm quiet
when i'm drunk, i'm dumb
when i'm sober, i'm dumb

2009-11-15T05:29:00.000-06:00

"how does a guy win a girl like you?"
"easy. he needs his heart completely available for me to devour whole."
"that sounds frightening."
"that's why only the fearless can win me."
"are you saying you're available?"
"i'm fucking starving."

i want to eat his heart out

2009-11-14T06:38:00.000-06:00

i'll eat your bloodied heart and remember the taste of it
i'll laugh with no pity for your tears
i've spilled enough of my own
you're nothing to me now but someone i've destroyed
your destruction is my hope in life
i'll see you in hell

2009-11-10T10:13:00.001-06:00

i was in danger of falling in love

the original rebels

2009-11-06T00:45:00.001-06:00

in the midst of turmoil
something so startlingly beautiful

i wish i could talk to you, l
but why do i feel like i can't?

depletion, but it's needed for the basics of everything

met someone
new,
by someone amazing
there's strength in numbers,
it gives me strength

.....

"hi... my name is...lisa.
and... I'm an alcoholic."

everyone: "welcome lisa"

"i... drink, because... before certain.. things... it made me a better person... i thought. but now.. i got so used to it. and now though...it doesn't make me a happier person or a better person. i can't stop my tears, in whatever occasion, only when i'm with people, certain people - even then- i can stop my tears... but... for some reason... i'd rather cry.... because it's more real to me than having that...reservation..."

silence.

"i drink because... (heavy laugh)... i don't know. ... that's something. i... don't know. i'm a woman.. i should be strong.. right? does race have anything to do with it? i drink because... i drink, because then, i'm no longer angry.... why do i have to be angry all the time? i've been taught... to... not to be angry. it's not "christian." --- "forgive and forget..." --- and then... what?"

"i do all these things... but i'm still angry... and i drink to no longer be angry..... and i wonder... why am i still angry..sober?"

silence.
she sits... in the circle.

an outsider included among outsiders...
.....

if there's no passion...
there's nothing

if the heart's not there
there's nothing

if it's just action without meaning
or meaning without action
it's all meaningless...
....

men write off "women's power"
their "coming together"
as lesbianism
because there's such passion in it, there's something new and amazing and surprising

it's because men don't realize....

it's a new thing - when two women can come together in something amazing
and it's beyond sex, or sexual desire, there's no lesbianism.

we may not understand men's compansionship (as natural as it seems) -
but we envy it

and when it happens among women for us - it's so amazing, so powerful - we just get that glimpse of men - because it is so categorized in a man's world - but sadly the truth of it is...

women, would give up everything - EVER-RY-THING - for a man they love,but a man would not...

and in that...

is the breaker of equalization.

we strive for human connection.
men... want to stay on the throne.
and even then. we'd let them... just to feel they have something...

whatever it may be.

excerpt

2009-11-05T04:45:00.000-06:00

a girl sits naked at her dining table, her hair wet, fresh from a hot shower. she has a J&B on the rocks in front of her, she sips from it occasionally, lost in thought. she eyes her cell phone on the table. silent contact. she stands with her glass, walks over to her stereo, turns it on and begins to dance.

2009-11-01T00:42:00.001-05:00

save me

hypnosis

2009-10-31T05:04:00.000-05:00

"relax, take deep breaths

close your eyes

slow and steady

nice and easy

let your worries, your thoughts, tomorrow and the past

be sucked out from the crown of your head

clear the mind and make it empty space

i'm going to count backwards from five

and when i say open your eyes,

you'll be just the way you were before all this

"five, before you ever had the chance to regret

four, before you ever met him

three, before any self-loathing appeared

two, before the patheticism that you have evolved into

one.

"open your-"

2009-10-30T16:20:00.001-05:00

am i so unwanted
i wonder
that i piss and shit and wallow in it?
the intensity i will bring
because all of me is all i have to give and am willing

no one ever wants me
they'd rather die
they'd rather escape
than be anywhere in the midst of me

i am who i am
i do what i do
maybe i will find the one
maybe i won't

this is why i don't give up my life for love
i pursue my dreams
and when/if they come true
and i am still alone
i will still find the purpose to remain

a dweller
with a forward momentum

meny men

2009-10-30T05:47:00.001-05:00

[mapplethorpe]

j was such a pretty dick
b was so small
e was too tall to tell
j made up for it
j is one of those you cannot tell
until you miss it

i should have snapped a picture of each
to line them side by side
boners are something i believe
no one should ever hide

they are magnificent in its morning glory
and satisfying when they fall

they are simply objects
and women will rule them all

paper cranes

2009-10-23T07:50:00.001-05:00

"I knew a girl who made paper cranes. Tiny ones. Colorful ones. She put each crane into a bottle, filled it up, then began to fill another. I remember seeing these bottles all lined up in no particular order, but she remembered when each one was made, which one was oldest. I had asked her what she wished for, because by then, she made over a thousand. She didn't look up as she finished a fold and dropped it down a long slender neck of a clear glass bottle. I don't wish for anything. Why not, I asked. Her eyes met mine as she said, because, what if it comes true? Later, I heard she disappeared, but not after she crashed each bottle broken onto the concrete sidewalk. The cranes lay, scattered along with broken glass. Some scene it must have been. She let me choose one of the bottles to take. She said I understood. I look at my bottle now, the multicolored cranes, once beautiful and alive seem trapped in such a cramped space, one on top of the other. I thought it wrong not to let the cranes free..."

liar liar

2009-10-23T04:51:00.000-05:00

yes you're right
maybe i'm not ready for this
maybe i thought i could get a rise out of you
something true
something you could possibly feel for me
but i realize
that's an impossibility.
i'll never have you,
as a possessive man might want.

but maybe when these wounds heal
i'll be healed. at least that's my goal.

and then we can fuck

balance

2009-10-23T03:12:00.000-05:00

if you're happy inside. don't look at the pictures that will follow.
if you're not sure
look at the pictures.
if they're unbearable,
maybe you're better off than you think.
if you can't look away,
because you see yourself
surely, we share something in common
and don't call me shirley

2009-10-23T02:57:00.000-05:00

how do i quit you?

i don't want to be alone anymore

"i'm not your revenge fuck"

2009-10-21T18:10:00.000-05:00

i was counting the months we've been together
he's been counting the months he's been apart
he's supposed to say, let's start over.
because he's the heartbreaker
and i'm the heartbroken
and it's not the heartbroken's say

his one lie turned into multiple lies
he bullshitted a bullshitter

how sly for a white guy

farewell

2009-10-20T18:49:00.000-05:00

farewell silent lover

you let me think it was me all along
but i gave more
i was ready to fall in love

the pain of this realization after so close an end
to what i thought the possibility of love

but it's not your fault either

it is
life

the interactions
i value most

this pain
will take a bit
to die
as i am

obsession

2009-10-20T09:48:00.000-05:00

my human form is eclipsed by death
as an obsession i cannot tear myself from
the darkness is more startling than the glaring light
it holds so much more for me in promise
in relief
in the void that could wash out
(because it does)
humanity.

i see no evil in death
i hear no evil
i say nothing of evil in death

to have a man like that join death
i could not help but make him a part of that obsession
now whenever i writhe and curse god to kill me
he is intertwined in those thoughts
that make my pain more realized

who has the better end of the bargain?
i still think, not me.

2009-10-18T08:16:00.001-05:00

when i heard you died,
all that i could hear in my head was
"of course."

........

when i realize you don't care
i feel more dead

........

when i see you do care
i wonder

.......

are you waiting for me?
or am i waiting for you?

whatever the case may be
i'm waiting.

.......

"...standing in line to see the show tonight
and there's a light on
heavy glow..."

2009-10-12T06:58:00.001-05:00

i laugh
when i see his barely smoked menthol in the ash tray
i fantasize
about the reason it was set aside
calculated it must have been
to have put out the cherry
saved
yet neglected

i smoke his smoked cigarette
and wonder where his lips had touched and now touches mine
alone
with a thoughtless smile

mercurial fantasy

2009-10-10T17:25:00.000-05:00

i had a dream about him.

he was on my computer and saw the message i had written to someone. he turned to me and i turned away, but he held tight my body, so i turned my head. he took my glasses off and set them aside. i said, "What?" he said, "You can cry." and i couldn't. then i did. but i only allowed one. and it dried on my cheek, and there was nothing more to say.

was it a dream or did you let me cry in your arms about someone forever lost to me?

re: quest

2009-10-05T16:34:00.001-05:00

a fantasy i will work my whole life to come true:

all straight MEN dancing in front of me. not choreographed. not stylized. not talented. just let go and free.

where's the women's lap dance?

where are the women's dicky bars?

just move the way you feel. it's not sex. it's a sex teaser. in a way it's more exciting, because it's public decency; you won't be arrested for dancing in public. but you know you always wanted to do it in public.

there's something in letting your mind go and your body move.
it's like acting.
it's like sex.
it's like being on shrooms.

it's experiencing all that life is at the moment.

dance.

if there were clubs around this town like studio 54 or ones in Saturday Night Fever
i'd go just to WATCH them dance
then let myself get lost

so will you dance for me?

broken

2009-10-05T14:36:00.000-05:00

there's something about a broken girl you feel you can be in a normal relationship with

she's loud and boisterous
very much a man in a man's world
but something about the way she moves
the unreserve
the coarse language
and the silence that follows
makes you want to fuck her

there is nothing normal about her

she may become what you want her to become
she may do things kind and surprising
she may service you like a loyal lapdog
but this bitch is still caged

beware of the bite

the silence is defecating

2009-10-03T19:43:00.000-05:00

i am that whisper of smoke, thinning out and disappearing
above the crushed cigarette

reluctant lifer

2009-09-28T14:21:00.000-05:00

if you take me, take me by force
if you love me, don't
if you touch me, leave a bruise
if you use me, please abuse

....

the little girl sitting on the swing,
swinging, lifeless and meaningless,
watching cars drone by in dull, listless paths from one destination to another.
she swings, the blue color of her eyes just barely seen, the blond of her hair just gray.
so young, but not vibrant, so childlike, but full of age.
where did the passion go? where did life disappear to?
what is happening to a once living life
as though passion would sweep one to the end of days?

...

I’m infected by inaction. I’m infected with infections. I’m infected by gross misconduct. I’m infected by the ineffectual affection of effect. I’m affected.

..

The light travels down the spine, depositing a naked glow
Fingertips alight, the touch, smooth
How could one deny such peaceful calm, to think she would not have lived
If one decision had been made, this moment would not exist.

2009-09-24T17:20:00.000-05:00

they say i seem to be going uphill
but they don't want to know
this is the steepest hill yet

.show me.

2009-09-23T13:48:00.000-05:00

"we're wasting time
let's fall in love
live intensely
reach our limit
fall dramatically
it'll end soon
so let's get lost in each other
and cry about it one day, alone
when memory is evidence of experience
and dreams are evidence
of never becoming," so she proclaims to life.

2009-09-09T01:37:00.000-05:00

When you need some body the most is when you find yourself the most alone.

But then I am a bit of crazy

public intox

2009-09-08T03:19:00.000-05:00

"And you thought i was just some other girl, and you had no idea what you were in for."

......

I like to wrestle all my men... I can't say exactly why.

I'm not practical by any means. I could drive him crazy...to prevent myself from going crazy.

I could easily take on this psychotic character - because at this stage in life - why the fuck not? It's like being a snake - discarding one skin for the other - just for the hell of it.

.....

I'm waiting for him to push me away. If he takes too long to do it... I will.

.....

It's a pistol shot in the distance, and it misses me every time.

....

What's the use of talking with unlike minds?

Deliberate practice

The start of a new era//Let's stop talking.

That boy is an mini-Eddie.

....

Each man you come across is just that.

Mini versions of the man you really want.

But you still fuck him.

Because you can always fuck the pain away.

You're still too much in your mind.

And you can't escape without aid

But then you settle with one of those mini versions and hate every moment.

Every moment burns away at your core, and you become a mini version of yourself

You feel yourself boiling as you sit and watch him with hatred.

He turns to you. You look away.

He never sees it coming.

The gun pointed at his head.

Because you fuck with the same passion.

The initial one.

To fuck the pain away.

hidden consequence

2009-08-22T18:44:00.000-05:00

you're my daughter

If you murder, I love you
If you fail, I love you
If you never compare, I love you
Just know, you're my hidden consequence

I didn't know love and shame went hand in hand

re:

2009-08-09T16:22:00.000-05:00

she sits there, unlike everyone

she is, unlike everyone

she watches them as she is, unlike everyone

nowhere anywhere is what she would call somewhere she belongs

she doesn't

.......

it's been a week.

the blood.

where is the blood?

what's so great about it that we do it?

what do we really want to achieve?

........

it's a mixture of everything.

xiii

there's something cursed about this month

job 3

there's something cursed

about me

........

no matter who is there to support you, you're alone when the time comes.

at the pivotal, climactic moment, everyone falls away and there is only you to rely on

only your strength, your courage

grow some, or get some

balls

.embrace.

2009-08-02T21:21:00.000-05:00

"hold me."

he does so, noticing the pained look in her eyes, he asks no questions, but complies.

he gently places her head on his shoulder, her forehead is wet with cold sweat

he feels her clenched.

he wants to say relax, but he thinks it.

he wants to say everything is okay, but he wills it.

he wants to say, i love you... and silence ensues.

he did not know the next morning she would be gone.

....

(a naturally happy disposition x a period of trial) / complete lack of support from loved ones = indulgence in all that is pleasurable NOW

thank you. math-genius not responsible.

Brief Interviews

2009-07-24T11:38:00.000-05:00

.tell-tale signs.

"You've changed."

"No I didn't... How?"

"In the little things. With whatever you do, you have...something."

"What?"

"A secret you want to tell the world."

"I don't have a secret."

"That you want to tell the world? But you do have a secret. At least something that you haven't told anyone yet."

"It's not something the world needs to know."

"True, it's not something the world needs to know, it's not something anyone really needs to know, but it's something that is already known, because without knowing it, you've told, and you've just admitted that you did have something to tell that you are in fact telling."

"How do you know any of this as fact?"

"It's life. Happens to everyone living."

"But I was dying."

"You're not anymore are you?"

"No...but, I don't know what I am anymore."

"Well, in my opinion, that's living in the face of fear and defying it."

.filling the questionnaire.

"Who put this here?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Why does it have to matter?" I asked, didn't I?"

"Where's the fucking server? Menu, please. No scratch that, just gin and tonic."

"Can I see your I.D.? - Thank you."

"Why are you drinking in the middle of the day?"

"What, like I can only drink at night?"

"You're not getting any are you?"

"Why do men suck?"

"You're really asking that question?"

"Why can't they just know when, where, and why and fucking especially, how?"

"Why can't the cute ones be straight?"

"Why are they so dumb?"

"Why can't they read minds?"

"Why the fuck do they expect a relationship from me, when I just want to fuck and go - Thank you."

"Wait. Fuck and go? I thought you did want a relationship."

"Do you think I, crazy fuck up, can have an actual relationship? Have you ever seen me cuddle anything, be kind to anyone, gentle with others? - No."

"How does any of that define you as a non-relationship-type person?"

"Why can't I stop wanting what I can't ever get?"

"What is it you want?"

"a dreamer dreams, she never dies"

2009-07-15T13:12:00.000-05:00

You visit a place again, because the novel experience is what you wish to repeat. But it is never.

Friends, a trip, alcohol and weed. Let's say "friends". Who called the police?

I claim the weed. I offer up my wrists, facing up, as though to be slit. Let the bloody chains bind my end.

My family is informed of my imprisonment. No trial necessary. 38 days in jail. Three days before, and my mother supports me more than anyone in my life. She tells me, do not struggle when a blade is at your neck, and you're forced to do things you don't want to. She looks strong, for me. But i see worry. It hurts me that she would wrinkle and age because of her daughter. You'd think...

I wanted it. I felt i deserved it more than the others. What life do i have? And then i wake up.

...

driven, yet my directions are wrong

dirt roads give way to a dead end

and I wonder why paths are so strictly followed-

are we that afraid to crash?

a legendary death, a miracle survival;

only dull lives wish for such excitement,

dull lives such as mine.

excitement, which never comes to the dulled,

surprises those in their prime,

dusted away...why do we live in such

a switched place?

...

i will never forget certain moments in time

the moments in time that echo eternity

the moments that change entirely

the moments that make history

one moment in time, i was reminded again of how culturally diverse i was

a grandfather, white and withered with age, drew back from my helpful hand, repulsed that i was not his same

one moment in time, i was reminded again of my old childhood days

children bored, one saturday afternoon, took the time to taunt and call names

what was i to do but have my courage and will stripped away?

i hid from mere children and yet what was my age?

one moment in time, history brought change

and i stepped into the world

one moment in time came when everyday my thoughts were the same:

when will i step out of the world?

what made me who i am today were moments in time collected

such moments in time are seen as one

a trip through my life is enough

i have lived.

i have not loved.

but i am done all the same.

...

i am unworthy of a capital i

...

at eighteen, i think it is safe to say, i have had enough

enough of the splendor i never had

enough of the love i never knew

enough of the nights i felt so blue

enough of the parties i never went to

enough of the hype of passion and romance

enough of the hollywood stars and scandal

enough of the sad news on tv

enough of the war that never ends

enough of the blood spill in general

enough of the pain

at eighteen i think it is safe to say

i have had enough of life

...

would you rather be dull and have an exciting life

or be exciting and have a dull life?

"as though you were..."

2009-07-13T14:44:00.000-05:00

Friday, 31 March 2006

About six more weeks of hell, then an interim of fucking laziness and zombie life before a long contract with death on earth. And I am about to ask my first guy out.

The guy said yes. I promise I will do everything to relieve the awkwardness.
I'm just afraid he'll change his mind over the weekend. It kinda sucks that I like him. I mean, if he was just another guy, I could be like who gives a fuck?

I'm just imagining that once I get back, John will be like, "Ah, no. I change my mind. I'm actually going with.... or not going at all or, I don't want to go with you."

....

The sun was receding below the horizon. The sky was a dark red/orange hue. She did not wish to retire. Not just yet.

"Shit."
"What?" He inquired.
"Nothing." -silence- "All right. I don't want to go back to the academy."
"Oh." -silence.
Of course, she thought, he did not feel the same.
"We don't have to," he said.
"Yeah, we could just keep on walking... You must have been surprised."
"Surprised? Why?"
"Because of how we never talked to each other, and I suddenly...approached you."
He was silent. He smiles.
"No, you weren't all that bad. But you made it..."
"I made it what?"
"You made it out like you wanted to be just friends."
"Shit. I know right, because otherwise, I wouldn't be so awkward."
"So you do want to be more than just friends?"
"And what about you, are you tolerating me or just teasing?"
"I like being with you. Because you make me feel comfortable, and you're fun."
"Well, hell, you don't make me comfortable so much as nervous."
"Nervous? How do I make you nervous?"

This whole time they had been playing a game. A game where they each tried to convince themselves that he and she did not like the other in a certain way. So the game they played had them winning and losing equally. For the two were more alike than they realized. They may have been more alike than they wanted. And the more they spent together, the more they found each other more attractive. Yet when each are alone in their rooms at night, they erase all the possibilities of something more. So the game begins all over again the next day.

...

They have never spoken to each other up to this point. But she has slowly been developing feelings for him as a stranger. As she does with strangers...

He takes a seat.

Damn, she thought. I just rolled out of bed and threw on a cap.

We're sitting with him, her friend says.
Her heart falls to the floor and her courage takes flight.

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

Call her selfish, but she wanted him all to herself. Alone. In the dark. In an alley.

She sits one person away from him. Plan was flawed. They were nowhere near each other, therefore, this gesture was not obvious. Her friends were extra lively. She dulled immensely in comparison. Her words were drowned immediately. Failure.

Pissed off now, she marches to the isolation of her room and believes it will never work. The rest of the day, they miss each other. In a way she is relieved.

At night, she is told to just ask. As bold as she was, this was an overall nerve racking task. She knew she saw him just once for sure every other day. That was when she would ask.

She did not see him all day that when she did see him, she nearly let him go. They exchanged smiles, very polite, but she stopped him, right in time, so as not to be chasing after him.

Hey, actually, John, do you have a moment? She asked him. She was prepared either way, yet she heard that his "reception was good" and that it was most likely a yes.

How she asked him was simple enough, and his eager reply in the affirmative was a pleasant surprise.

She thought she would not see him until after the weekend but then the presence she tried so much to sense snuck right behind her. But this time, once again, it went back to the nods and smiles.

...

She couldn't stop thinking about him all day and night.
And yet it wasn't so dramatic as that because she was not the type to talk about it, nor bring it up. She felt ridiculous, because in reality, it wasn't a big deal...

...

There is what is called intervis.

She had the chance to invite him up to her room. So she did. Because if she didn't, she would wonder if he expected her to invite him up, and that not doing so would signify the negative.
Goddammit.

...

She stayed downstairs waiting around, perchance he would come through. And he did. Except she did not invite him to stay, because he appeared as though he was going up. And he did. Since he did, she did. But she head he had come back down. So once again. Damn.

...

She escorted him back...then she realized she would escort him all the way downstairs which she does. The conversation then went very well. They talked about Prom before which he offered his arm, which she took. Grandiloquent gesture that threw her off. Apparently, she came near to his height, so she knew she had to throw out the possibility of wearing heels. Then, the dancing. She talked of how they would rock the floor. He said they'd be hot. Great, then they came to a stop right behind a couple. Awkward. Let's move on over there, she suggested. They spoke some more, but she might have sent him off too soon. She didn't wish to keep him when he didn't want to. But she also did not know him well enough to figure him out. So she'll just be making assumptions.

...

The extra effort for "socializing" was kept. She waits down there, plays ping pong, and finds him going to eat. She lets him go after she greets him...by yelling.

She waits around downstairs for a while, and he does not come back, yet she still remains...

She sits with a friend. Waits. Then sits and watches the card game. Waits. He comes in. But they do not talk for he appeared to be going upstairs with others, so she didn't call him out to ask him to join. Since he was gone, what was the point to stay, so she left. Everyone did.

She learned afterward that he had come back down and inquired about the card game. She did not want to jump to conclusions...but she really liked him. She hoped he would like her.

...

After taking pictures, everyone decided to procrastinate.

She played fooseball downstairs with friends. They were so caught up in the excitement, she did not notice his presence. Even after her friends greeted him, she was startled.

It did not help the fact that he was gorgeous.

They played together then, but she remained subdued, for she could not compete with such noise. But it was enjoyable anyway. She only hoped he would...

She does have her doubts about him as well. Does she want him to be experienced? Does she want him to have messed around with others? Does she want something more?

...

She had just asked him out that week. She prepares herself to tell him to have a nice weekend, since she will be gone, except it came out all wrong.

What came out was something like, "Ah, you'll miss me this weekend."
To which he replied, "Oh well."

She felt like an idiot.

...

Out of my comfort, I step towards you
If only you would receive me.
I feel that I fail whatever I do
Because I'm afraid I don't have you.

...

"When we talked monday, when his class was canceled, I could not help but notice that he hadn't shaved. He's taller than I thought. He as bright eyes and a great smile..."

...

The world was wasted in one night when she let him...
Every warmth was taken away, when she left him
She felt lost in every possible way, when she caressed him
But in her heart she knew, nothing would ever be the same.

The death brought an end... for the dead.